| ANTE-UP GAME METHOD LEVEL 1 OPENING LINES Small Talk that is Strictly Impersonal |
A. Reasons for the first stage of communication:
1. Engagement
2. Safety
3. Evidence of good interpersonal health
- a. Respect for Others Rights
b. Interest in Others
c. Ability to be in the here and now
d. Good quality interpersonal skills
e. Freedom from excessive involvement with self
f. Healthy levels of unselfishness
g. Patience
h. Humility
i. Wisdom
- 1. The weather
2. The new building construction down the street
3. Who, what, where, when, how (not why)
4. Things, persons (not ideas)
- 1. Eye contact, pleasant, attentive facial expression, smiles
2. Handshakes, light touching of arms or hands, friendship hugs
- 1. Do not ask personal questions or negative talk about others,
events, etc. Do not use the word why, as it is judgmental and
ineffective.
2. Some of the most interesting conversations among people involve
this level. These pleasant conversations allow informative
interactions that have healthful benefits to mind, body and soul.
3. People who cannot engage in small talk are too self-centered.
They tend to want “What they want when they want it,” without
regard for the rights, needs and feelings of others. Try to observe
people who are good at this level and learn from them.
4. Married couples who are having communication problems should
spend much more time at this level to rebuild a sense of trust and
safety with one another.
A. Reasons for the second stage of communication:
- 1. Engagement
2. Safety
3. Evidence of good interpersonal health
4. Relevant information
- 1. Personal details that are not private, such as work, marital status,
number of children, how long in area, what neighborhood, which
church (The details about you that most people would know, even if
they did not know you intimately).
2. 'Who do you know?", such as "How did you meet the hostess," or
"Do you know So-and-So" at church, school, work, etc.
Comment about people should be informational and not critical or
too personal.
3. "Where have you been?" such as "what is the best route (highway)
to Eureka Springs?" or "What is your favorite Italian restaurant in
Shreveport?"
- 1. A married person might exchange a greeting kiss.
2. People who know each other well will sit or stand nearby.
3. Couples use symmetry in body language to show simpatico.
- 1. Married people tend to skip this stage, but they should not. Even if
this level is brief between two people who know each other
intimately, it is still necessary to give time in conversation to learning
how that person feels Did they have a tough day at work? Are they
tired? Are they very preoccupied with some work or family matter?
We must take the time to learn these things before we attempt
higher levels of intimacy, especially those that involve problem
solving.
2. It can be difficult to remain at this level without naturally proceeding
to the next level when you are with your favorite people.
3. Some problem solving is appropriate at this level. For instance,
divorced people communicate about visitation schedules at this
level of conversation.
A. Reasons for the third stage of communication:
- 1. Engagement
2. Safety
3. Evidence of good interpersonal health
4. Increased sharing of life experiences, values and choices
- 1. Individual tastes regarding people, favorite things, favorite places,
entertainment, education (not politics or religion).
2. Personal interests, hobbies, talents, plans (not private goals).
3. Details of personal history (not history about grief or pain).
- 1. Consensual hand-holding.
2. Cuddling together in front of the fireplace.
3. Affectionate kissing (not petting or sexual foreplay)
4. Providing a back-rub, or foot massage.
- 1. Married people need to spend a lot of time at this level if they want
to maintain healthy bonding and attachment. This is the level that
creates love, especially the ‘chips’ described in the Introduction to
the AnteUp Game. The confidence, safety and engagement
experienced here sets the stage for the more serious level of
intimacy and engagement that will follow.
2. Married people who do not spend enough time at this level teach
their spouses that they are disinterested in them, and that their
primary concerns are for their work, their hobbies, their family, thei
friends or themselves. Their spouse feels unloved, and serious
consequences follow.
3. Some problem solving is appropriate at this level. For instance, a
married couple might discuss the plans, activities, victories and
problems of their adolescent child.
4. This stage should not lead to sexual activity. Married people need
to experience romantic, sentimental, pleasurable physical contact
with each other that is not primarily sexual in nature at this level.
This adds to a sense of comfort, closeness, security and strength
of bonding. In other words, married people who think that Level 3 is
just for courtship may find themselves headed for the courtroom!
A. Reasons for the fourth stage of communication:
- 1. Engagement
2. Safety
3. Evidence of good interpersonal health
4. Significant testing of compatibility
5. Similarity in values & goals
6. Attitudinal health
7. Ability to share and cope with the values of another
- 1. Personal educational, work and family goals
2. Personal religious and political beliefs
3. Personal values and beliefs about what matters in life
4. Personal relationship with God, money, family, friends and self
- 1. Supportive kinds of physical closeness.
2. Facial expressions that indicate listening and intense interest
3. Hand movements and gestures common to serious dialogue
4. Increased physical affection that does not lead to sex.
- 1. In the article entitled, Winning at Love, it states that no person
should have their first sexual experience with another until they
have covered most of the areas relevant to Level 4. That is
because people become emotionally bonded to each other
following sexual experience, and often this happens when there
is no lasting compatibility between two people. Not learning all
about your heart’s desire before lovemaking is a good way to
end up with a ‘broken heart.’
2. People who marry without processing this information carefully are
asking for trouble. What if your intended spouse cannot or will not
share household responsibilities? What if his/her attitudes about
money conflict with yours? (Watch for people who are stingy or
overly generous. They probably have a personality disorder.)
How do they treat family members, waitresses, the man on the
street, children and animals? What do they think about children?
Do they want a family? Will they be supportive of your family, work,
religious or political aspirations? These things are more important
than romantic feelings, because they often last a lifetime!
A. Reasons for the fifth stage of communication:
- 1. Engagement
2. Safety
3. Evidence of good interpersonal health
4. Could the two of you happily share a life together?
5. Does one person frustrate or harm the other?
6. Does each person value the dreams of the other?
7. Is there a healthy give and take between you?
Does one of you have to give up who you are,
or who you want to be, for the sake of the other?
8. Is there true authenticity in the relationship?
9. Do you feel comfortable sharing with this person?
- 1. Any subject about our most secret longings, wishes and plans.
2. Level 5 precedes the more difficult level 6. Sometimes it is
important to talk to your loved one about your image of a positive
outcome to a difficult conversation. Remember, Level 5 is always
about things that are not yet real. So if I want to talk to you about
my hope that you will learn how to control your temper, I might
choose to talk about what my life would be like if I could talk to you
in a way that would be good for you, and where I would be truly
understood and loved by you. This might lead directly into a Level
6 conversation about the important matter at hand.
- 1. In a marriage or romance, if a Level 5 conversation goes well, then
feelings of affection will follow. It won’t be long, until warmth leads
to action!
2. Physical touching should be attentive, gentle and should relate to
the immediate conversation.
- 1. Con Artists use Level 5 to find out about what you want from them.
Afterwards, they become like “Chameleons,” who will be ‘whatever
color’ you want them to be until you are deeply entrenched in the
relationship. Therefore, do not reach Level 5 with a person you
do not know well, until you have processed a lot of Level 4 material.
2. Talking about hopes and dreams is not always a happy thing.
Constant talk about what we lack and what we wish for is
emotionally tiring to others, and puts a strain on relationships.
Worry is a negative form of Level 5, because it is about things that
do not exist in the real world. You use up ‘chips’ when you do this!
A. Reasons for the sixth stage of communication:
- 1. Engagement
2. Safety
3. Evidence of good interpersonal health
4. Development of significant trust
5. Exposure of vulnerability for the other's safekeeping
6. Testing for abuse and exploitation by the other
- 1. The things that hurt us in our childhood and adulthood.
2. Our greatest victories and achievements.
3. The weaknesses that we have not yet overcome.
4. Our greatest needs for support and encouragement.
5. Real problems and real solutions.
6. Our uncertainties, inadequacies and fears.
- 1. Careful use of facial expression and voice control to maintain
accurate empathy towards your loved one, as they attempt to
express important parts of themselves. Make sure everything you
do is a match to what your partner is saying or doing.
2. The same principle applies to satisfying sexual experience.
- 1. How many married people enter the front door of their home,
greeting each other after a day apart, saying:
“What’s for dinner?”
“When are we having sex?”
“Let me tell you how Little Johnny ruined my day!”
“The washing machine is busted again.”
2. These people are beginning their conversations with intense,
difficult subjects, when they should be greeting each other with
the warmth and pleasure of Level 1, 2 and 3 connections.
3. Later on, in therapy, they will wonder why their partner feels
unloved, and why they do not have ‘that feeling’ anymore.
Engaging in intense, serious conversation (Level 6) when you
have not shown interest in your partner’s well-being, is like
pouring poison into your relationship cup. The antidote to this
painful relational ailment is careful attention to the details of your
speech.
4. God created the world with a Word, and so do you
- © Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW
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| LEVEL 2 THE IMPERSONAL PERSONAL Anything that Anyone in Town Can Know You Could Learn About This at the Courthouse People with excellent interpersonal skills are good at this level, including salespersons, politicians, and church members |
| LEVEL 4 VALUE AND MEANING Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values Getting to Know You for Real This begins the serious test of whether of not you will want to be close to this person. This exploration should require many conversations and should precede discussion of personal hopes and dreams and hurtful past experiences |
| LEVEL 5 HOPES AND DREAMS Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values We Imagine About Happiness and Love This begins the test to see whether this person could share your lifeand help you fulfill your plans for the future |
| LEVEL 6 JOY, HURTS AND FEARS Our Most Private Feelings and Experiences We Deal with What Matters Most This tests the trustworthiness of the other |
| LEVEL 3 THE PRIVATE PERSONAL The Things That People Close to You Can Know This Means You Are Friends This stage requires self-restraint to avoid excessive personal revelation, e.g. about religious, political opinions |
