| ANTE-UP GAME METHOD LEVEL 1 OPENING LINES Small Talk that is Strictly Impersonal |
It is nothing like the concept of cost-benefit as relates to money and business
and organization. It is about energy.
The principle is this: it requires a use of energy to respond to the input of
another person. On the one hand, if it is easy to figure out, to know, to
understand just how to respond, then a lot of mental energy is not needed for
figuring out a response. If, on the other hand, it is very difficult to imagine an
appropriate response, then much more mental and emotional energy is
required for the interaction.
For example, if you are part of American culture, and you extend your open
hand to me, I will probably automatically extend my hand back to you for the
invited handshake. But if I belong to a different culture, I may not know what
is expected of me. In the first case, where very little mental energy is required,
we call this interaction a "benefit". In the second case, where a lot of thinking
is required, we call this a "cost".
This is an important principle taught to budding social workers, who will
spend much of their lives relating to people who have different values,
cultures, experiences, competencies, etc. We have to learn when our
interactions with others are very high cost to them. Because high cost
interactions are by definitions somewhere between tiring and stressful.
There are people in our lives who maintain with us very high cost interactions.
We have to think all the time about what response to make to them. When we
purposefully go out of our way to use our energy in positive terms for them,
then we are acting like The suffering Servant, (Jesus) who gave his energy for
the healing of other people. However, Jesus was very aware of the toll people
took on his energy, and insisted that he have plenty of time for prayer, rest,
meditation, food, and company. He also placed very careful limits on high
cost people.
This is what therapists do. They deliver very high energy exchanges with
people, but only for a specific time, place and purpose.
But in our personal lives we have to be very attentive to the cost-benefit ration
of our interactions with others. There are people in this world who are toxic
people. We know them because we feel tired when we have been with them,
sometimes for minutes, sometimes for days or weeks. These people may be
very charming and pleasant to be with. So it is often only our fatigue after
being with them that lets us know that something is very wrong with the
interactions with them. Eventually when we analyze the interactions we can
see that there is something very confusing about the messages that we are
receiving. They seem right, but we feel uncomfortable. In other words, we
are beginning to use a lot of mental and emotional energy trying to figure out
what is going on.
When we look at a disorder like OCD, ala Monk, we see a disorder that has
clarity. We know exactly what is going on, and exactly what we must do in
order to be helpful. So even though he is a nuisance, he is not a toxic person.
But in the movie, As Good As It Gets, Helen Hunt states to Jack Nicholson
that she feels confused by him.
Thus we can see that a high cost method of interaction, when deliberate, is a
supreme form of abuse. The intended purpose of the abuser (or invalidator) is
to deliberately keep the other person off balance, which lowers their strength,
stability and self-confidence. The high-cost interacter does not want you to
feel good about yourself, because if you do, you will do whatever you want to
do with your own energy. Instead, the high-cost interacter wants you to
spend all of your energy on him/her. In that way, he/she feels powerful. This
type of person has given up on love, and believes that power and control over
others will be a good enough substitute for love. So this type of person uses
various forms of confusion to keep you thinking about him/her. In the case of
physical abuse, he/she is using the physical pain to keep your mind always on
him/her!
Many of the things that you are learning are methods of dealing with high
cost, toxic people. The you message helps you to send negative, confusing
messages back to the sender in the form of clarifying questions, much as a
therapist would actually do with such disordered people. The AnteUp Game
protects your space and helps you set limits. Maslow's Hierarchy helps you to
see what needs are being continuously created in order to maintain control
over you. Systems Theory helps you to keep your mind on where the
boundaries are, and on what increases or decreases vitality in your own
personal system (your body, mind and spirit). The cost-benefit theory
helps you to look very, very specifically on the individual
components of each interaction. Eventually you can separate the sheep
from the goats, facts from lies, good will from ill will, and exploration from
control. Eventually you will understand my teaching: "Use your energy
only in the direction of truth." Whatever the other person says, search
your mind and heart for something truthful about that person's statement.
Then respond to that part of their interaction. In the short run, you will be
emotionally safe, act courageously, and feel intelligent. In the long run, the
person you are interacting with will learn to be a truth teller, because by so
doing, they can get a response from you. Which, after all, is what the
wounded inner child of the person really wanted in the first place!
Over time, you will feel like a very useful, even compassionate and humble
person. Because it takes energy well-used to do this healing work.
I believe that these ideas will really help you to put everything together for
yourself. You will be very thankful to yourself some day that you decided to
use your will, your time, and your energy to master these things. Because you
will be a truly independent and useful person as a result. You will almost
always feel safe with others. You will stop running away from unsafe
situations, because you will know how to handle them.
These strategies for communication will help you to know whether to use
improved methods to solve interpersonal problems or to avoid the person
involved. When it comes to those cases where they are willing to use a
weapon (either a gun, or a nasty legal action such as 'getting fired'), you will
identify it quickly, and "run like hell"!
and organization. It is about energy.
The principle is this: it requires a use of energy to respond to the input of
another person. On the one hand, if it is easy to figure out, to know, to
understand just how to respond, then a lot of mental energy is not needed for
figuring out a response. If, on the other hand, it is very difficult to imagine an
appropriate response, then much more mental and emotional energy is
required for the interaction.
For example, if you are part of American culture, and you extend your open
hand to me, I will probably automatically extend my hand back to you for the
invited handshake. But if I belong to a different culture, I may not know what
is expected of me. In the first case, where very little mental energy is required,
we call this interaction a "benefit". In the second case, where a lot of thinking
is required, we call this a "cost".
This is an important principle taught to budding social workers, who will
spend much of their lives relating to people who have different values,
cultures, experiences, competencies, etc. We have to learn when our
interactions with others are very high cost to them. Because high cost
interactions are by definitions somewhere between tiring and stressful.
There are people in our lives who maintain with us very high cost interactions.
We have to think all the time about what response to make to them. When we
purposefully go out of our way to use our energy in positive terms for them,
then we are acting like The suffering Servant, (Jesus) who gave his energy for
the healing of other people. However, Jesus was very aware of the toll people
took on his energy, and insisted that he have plenty of time for prayer, rest,
meditation, food, and company. He also placed very careful limits on high
cost people.
This is what therapists do. They deliver very high energy exchanges with
people, but only for a specific time, place and purpose.
But in our personal lives we have to be very attentive to the cost-benefit ration
of our interactions with others. There are people in this world who are toxic
people. We know them because we feel tired when we have been with them,
sometimes for minutes, sometimes for days or weeks. These people may be
very charming and pleasant to be with. So it is often only our fatigue after
being with them that lets us know that something is very wrong with the
interactions with them. Eventually when we analyze the interactions we can
see that there is something very confusing about the messages that we are
receiving. They seem right, but we feel uncomfortable. In other words, we
are beginning to use a lot of mental and emotional energy trying to figure out
what is going on.
When we look at a disorder like OCD, ala Monk, we see a disorder that has
clarity. We know exactly what is going on, and exactly what we must do in
order to be helpful. So even though he is a nuisance, he is not a toxic person.
But in the movie, As Good As It Gets, Helen Hunt states to Jack Nicholson
that she feels confused by him.
Thus we can see that a high cost method of interaction, when deliberate, is a
supreme form of abuse. The intended purpose of the abuser (or invalidator) is
to deliberately keep the other person off balance, which lowers their strength,
stability and self-confidence. The high-cost interacter does not want you to
feel good about yourself, because if you do, you will do whatever you want to
do with your own energy. Instead, the high-cost interacter wants you to
spend all of your energy on him/her. In that way, he/she feels powerful. This
type of person has given up on love, and believes that power and control over
others will be a good enough substitute for love. So this type of person uses
various forms of confusion to keep you thinking about him/her. In the case of
physical abuse, he/she is using the physical pain to keep your mind always on
him/her!
Many of the things that you are learning are methods of dealing with high
cost, toxic people. The you message helps you to send negative, confusing
messages back to the sender in the form of clarifying questions, much as a
therapist would actually do with such disordered people. The AnteUp Game
protects your space and helps you set limits. Maslow's Hierarchy helps you to
see what needs are being continuously created in order to maintain control
over you. Systems Theory helps you to keep your mind on where the
boundaries are, and on what increases or decreases vitality in your own
personal system (your body, mind and spirit). The cost-benefit theory
helps you to look very, very specifically on the individual
components of each interaction. Eventually you can separate the sheep
from the goats, facts from lies, good will from ill will, and exploration from
control. Eventually you will understand my teaching: "Use your energy
only in the direction of truth." Whatever the other person says, search
your mind and heart for something truthful about that person's statement.
Then respond to that part of their interaction. In the short run, you will be
emotionally safe, act courageously, and feel intelligent. In the long run, the
person you are interacting with will learn to be a truth teller, because by so
doing, they can get a response from you. Which, after all, is what the
wounded inner child of the person really wanted in the first place!
Over time, you will feel like a very useful, even compassionate and humble
person. Because it takes energy well-used to do this healing work.
I believe that these ideas will really help you to put everything together for
yourself. You will be very thankful to yourself some day that you decided to
use your will, your time, and your energy to master these things. Because you
will be a truly independent and useful person as a result. You will almost
always feel safe with others. You will stop running away from unsafe
situations, because you will know how to handle them.
These strategies for communication will help you to know whether to use
improved methods to solve interpersonal problems or to avoid the person
involved. When it comes to those cases where they are willing to use a
weapon (either a gun, or a nasty legal action such as 'getting fired'), you will
identify it quickly, and "run like hell"!
| LEVEL 2 THE IMPERSONAL PERSONAL Anything that Anyone in Town Can Know You Could Learn About This at the Courthouse People with excellent interpersonal skills are good at this level, including salespersons, politicians, and church members |
| LEVEL 3 THE PRIVATE PERSONAL The Things That People Close to You Can Know This Means You Are Friends This stage requires self-restraint to avoid excessive personal revelation, e.g. about religious, political opinions |
| LEVEL 4 VALUE AND MEANING Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values Getting to Know You for Real This begins the serious test of whether of not you will want to be close to this person. This exploration should require many conversations and should precede discussion of personal hopes and dreams and hurtful past experiences |
| LEVEL 5 HOPES AND DREAMS Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values We Imagine About Happiness and Love This begins the test to see whether this person could share your life and help you fulfill your plans for the future |
| LEVEL 6 JOY, HURTS AND FEARS Our Most Private Feelings and Experiences We Deal with What Matters Most This tests the trustworthiness of the other |
© Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW
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| Cost-Benefit Principle of Effective Communication |
Dear Client,
You have been telling me
about misunderstandings
between you and your
friend. So it is time for
me to to tell you about
another principle of
communication that
blends well with each of
the other principles I have
taught you so far,
especially the AnteUp
Game and the Therapeutic
You Message (TYM).
It is the principle of
cost-benefit of
communication.
You have been telling me
about misunderstandings
between you and your
friend. So it is time for
me to to tell you about
another principle of
communication that
blends well with each of
the other principles I have
taught you so far,
especially the AnteUp
Game and the Therapeutic
You Message (TYM).
It is the principle of
cost-benefit of
communication.
The Following is the inside flap of the Principles explained in The Four
Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz.
His teachings are very consistent with the principles of the AnteUp Game
Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz.
His teachings are very consistent with the principles of the AnteUp Game