| ANTE-UP GAME METHOD LEVEL 1 OPENING LINES Small Talk that is Strictly Impersonal |
To My Client, Print Article
Your message to me, as usual, deserves a lot of thought. First of all, I can tell
that you are making progress. So let's get more specific.
You start off with a comment about self-actualization. A good book which
deals with this subject is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen
Covey, which encourages you to imagine yourself at the end of your life, and
then to think about what you wanted to say to others that your life was about.
The book provides extensive suggestions about how to find these answers for
yourself. The book makes the point that effective people live their lives
according to certain principles, rather than according to specific relationships
(such as husbands, children, parents) or life tasks (such as work, earning
money). With this book, you are expected to find your own way, knowing that
each person is different, and will therefore reach different life goals. Often
people who have searched their minds and hearts begin to learn principles for
living, such as 'we are here to learn,' to love, to seek truth, or to be of service.
We all know people who believe that their life purposes are to control others,
to manipulate, or simply to have as much fun as possible. We have to choose.
When we learn about our life's purpose, we must first learn that we are human
beings because we decide. The simple act of making a decision increases our
selfhood. That is why we must never regret a decision. No matter what the
outcome of that decision, the impact on our selfhood is what is most important
in the long run. Of course, making a decision means that we 'own' the effects
and the ramifications of that decision. No matter how difficult are the paths we
find ourself on consequent to the decisions we have made, the most important
matter is simply that making a decision was good for us. Part of the reason that
our society has partially eliminated institutions for the mentally retarded, the
mentally ill, or the aged is that the lack of decision and the privacy attendant to
decision causes a personality deterioration. People do not get well in such
places. They slowly lose their sense of personhood, empowerment and well-
being. Note here that privacy is important to personal empowerment, because
without it we cannot fully create our own self-image or the decisions that
emanate from that point of view. At the same time that we need privacy, we
also need community, for it is in relationships that we experience the feelings
that increase self-knowledge and increase our capacity for authenticity with
others.
If decision increases selfhood, then an agreement is a joint decision
between two or more people. I notice that people who have a poor self-
image, and who lack a sense of selfhood, with its fortunate capacity for a
healthy will-to-action, have a serious difficulty making and keeping
agreements. One way, therefore, to increase our knowledge of ourselves as
vital and competent people it to vow to keep all of our agreements with
ourselves and others. People who are recovering from Codependency learn
quickly to stop promising more than they can deliver. It is so easy to say, "We
are going to have lunch together one day," knowing full well that we will
forget to do this because we don't really have the time, or because it is not
really top priority for us. We make promises that are primarily wish fulfillments.
We want them to be true, but they are not. I teach all my clients, therefore,
this saying: "Healthy people make and keep agreements; addictive
personalities make promises and excuses."
The understanding of personal decision is not complete without a discussion of
our personal needs. That is where Maslow's Hierarch of Needs is useful.
When you look at the triangle, you notice that the areas at the bottom of the
triangle take up relatively more space than the very small triangle at the top
that depicts self-actualization. In other words, many needs must be met before
a person will be able to realistically address self-actualization needs. What I say
to clients is: "If you were on a street in the rain with no shelter, and you were
hungry and naked, and a tiger started running towards you, which need would
you address first?" Most people would see the logic of taking care of a basic
safety need first, that is, of running from the tiger. Many people satisfy their
needs for safety, only to spend most of their lives on issues of security, that is
food, clothing and shelter. They never make it up to the level of affiliation
(what I call love, but is not really the same. It really is about connection and
participation with other human beings on a more general level). Sometimes
you notice that miliary families who move frequently have to take care of the
levels of security and affiliation over and over. In some cases they might get
stuck at those levels. They never get to the level of Recognition, which must
be fulfilled before one becomes "Self-Actualized". In many abusive
relationships, a spouse or parent deliberately causes another person to remain
concerned with the needs for safety and security. By doing this, the victim
could never achieve enough "Self-Actualization" to leave the abusive
relationship. It is interesting to me to notice that some teen-agers are able to
reach all the way to the top of the hierarchy. Their parents provide them with
safety and security. School and church provides them with Affiliation and
often Recognition. Thus they are able for a short while to know what it is to
write, to paint, to organize activities, or do whatever turns them on as an
individual. Soon enough, they will be out on their own, forced to think about
safety and security issues for themselves and their families. They will probably
not achieve self-actualization again until they are at midlife, when many family
and work tasks are finally accomplished.
Now how does that gibe with the Ante-Up Game? Notice that if safety needs
are never met in a relationship, then self-actualization, or even love, would not
be possible. Thus, in the principles given for the Ante-Up Game, it describes
the central two purposes of the process as being Safety and
Engagement. Then other virtues, such as respect for the other person, and a
sense of timeliness, can follow.
Put these two things together and you see the explanation of why you cannot
feel the quality of love that you want. Namely because the relationship has
not been an emotionally safe place for you to be. So my last communication
with you was all about taking control of the verbal exchanges between you
and the person with whom you are relating, so that safety can be achieved.
Eventually, when you have mastered the AnteUp Game, no person will ever be
able to make you feel unsafe again (unless of course they choose to use a
weapon!). That is why it is so important that you learn how to master this
communication method while you are still relating to a person who makes it
difficult for you. I suggest that the next time a person asks you "Why aren't
you more affectionate?" you can respond by telling him that you still do not
feel that your feelings and life purposes are SAFE when you attempt
communication with him/her. Therapeutic relationships also are all about
safety. If you do not feel safe with your therapist (minister, friend, family
member), then your sense of selfhood will not increase in that relationship.
Notice also that in the AnteUp Game it would be perfectly permissible to give a
man a kiss at level one or level three. You need to learn how to communicate
to your love relationship that "a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh." They are
not fundamental to life, and they should stand by themselves as expressions of
affection and regard, without indicating that sexual intercourse will necessarily
follow. Practicing this with a partner is part of practicing the AnteUp Game.
You do not need to allow a spouse or romantic interest to make you feel guilty
because you gave him a kiss, but did not follow it with a complete sex act. He
has to learn this, so do you. Otherwise, you will always feel defensive. You
will always feel that when you give a little, your partner will demand a lot! In
the future, he will have to earn a kiss by giving eye contact and being friendly.
But he has to do a lot more than that in order to earn "the whole deal"! Note
that this escalation of communication through both verbal exchanges and
body language is illustrated in the diagram on the Onion Theory listed in the
Table of Contents.
You say that sometimes "I find myself not wanting to bother". This is a
symptom of being in a relationship where people do not relate to each other
according to the principles of the AnteUp Game, with its emphasis on safety
and engagement. Why do people unlearn a communication that is effective
and natural? Precisely because they have been taught to depend on others for
personal fulfillment.
Many men and women have a tendency towards dependency. They want a
relationship to be satisfying, but they believe that the other person should be
contributing more goodness, competency and perfection than they are
presently capable of providing. So all this person's energies are being spent
trying to correct and improve (and rescue) the partner. If only they would
improve, then they would be more dependable for you! They would be better
guides, leaders and lovers, and you could just depend on them for wish-
fulfillment, personal satisfaction and relationship simpatico.
Eventually you will deliberately work to learn these principles of the AnteUp
Game and its collateral principles, not because you want the relationship to
work, but because you want to be fully grown-up in all of your relationships. If
another person often controls the dialogue, then you have a lot of learning
and practice and work to do! You recently described a conversation in which
you directed the process of dialogue from an unsafe Level 6 content back
down to a safer, more effectual Level 3. Now you have really got the idea.
You can control the health, progress and safety of any conversation (unless
your cohort is willing to use physical power against you, in which case you
leave the relationship as soon as it is safe to do so). Thus the Ante-Up Game is
very empowering. All people involved are eventually uplifted by greater levels
of health and capacity for true empathy.
Sometimes a person will attempt to manipulate you into feeling on the
defensive. At that point remember the principles about System Theory and
Boundaries, which we discussed previously. (See the articles included in this
section of the website.) You are a person. You have space that belongs only to
you. You have a right to set limits on whether or not another person shares
your space with you.
Sometimes personal questions make you feel unsafe. They violate your space.
They create stress chemicals in your brain. They create a legitimate need to
either fight for your space, or to run from the offender. Fortunately, the
AnteUp Game gives you tools for doing this gracefully and effectively. If a
person in your life keeps asking for information they are not entitled to, tell
him/her that you will tell him about your day only if he/she seems genuinely
interested (Ante Up Game level 3), but you certainly will not accept being
quizzed about your daily activities, as that violates your rights and makes you
feel unsafe. When we share with one another, we make very personal choices
about what we reveal. If we are comfortable sharing with another person, we
feel joy! If we feel stressed, then we can back up and use the AnteUp Game to
share at a simpler and less dangerous conversational or physical level. Some
people are so invasive that they will not respect physical barriers, such as
closed doors, including the bathroom or the bedroom. Remember that
personal, physical space is a Safety issue, not an Affiliation issue (back to
Maslow's Hierarchy). We must have the safety of privacy before we will feel
like the intimacy of coming together for affiliation. Obviously, a person who
cannot respect ordinary physical boundaries, such as the bathroom door, will
be unlikely to be able to respect boundaries of space that is primarily
intellectual, emotional, decisional or relational.
You described to me a relationship tactic which involved handing your partner
a written note, instead of a verbal comment. This is a good strategy when it is
important to maintain the interaction at no higher than Level 3 until such time
as there is increased safety. For such reasons, people in conflict and serious
misunderstanding might very well use letters, notes, emails and even book
exchanges to communicate in such a way as to increase both safety and time
to absorb new information.
You also described times in which your partner does not respond to things you
say, things that matter to you, or times that he says things to you that do not
relate to what you said. This lack of comment is important. A lack of response,
or a response that does not relate to what you said, is defined as being a
Discount. The discount makes it appear that your comment didn't happen, or
that it did not matter. Discounts are highly dangerous to personal emotional
health. They are the most destructive interactions that occur between people.
This is because the victim slowly begins to learn that their words to not matter
and eventually they themselves begin to say words that do not relate
realistically to the situation at hand. Emotional illness, characterized by a form
of meaningless babble, can result, if this kind of contact occurs too often with a
victim who is successfully isolated by an abusive personality. Read
Shakespeare's King Lear for an example of multiple discounts leading to
insanity.
Therefore, if a partner indulges in the discount, turn your body physically away
from such exchanges the best and fastest way that you can. By so doing, you
talk to your own unconscious mind. You say to yourself, "I saw that, but I don't
agree with it, or buy into it." Do not say to the offender, "You did not answer
me." They know full well that they did not respond. Use your body silently to
respond, because it has the effect of setting limits on this dangerous and
unhealthy behavior. If turning away results in violence, then you know that
you need a serious exit from this relationship.
Sometimes a person tries to confront you about your own personal goals. You
use the AnteUp Game to protect yourself from this invasion. If dialogue
between two people is constructive, then sharing about one's plans comes
natural and feels good. If on the other hand, you feel stressed, tense,
intimidated, or uncomfortable, then direct the conversation towards lower,
safer levels of the AnteUp Game.
One of the important principles about relationship includes the choice to be in
a relationship or not. If all the people in your life learn to be healthy, satisfied,
self-directed, and personally fulfilled, it will still be true that you will choose the
people with whom you want to share your own personal space. Occasionally,
you will achieve health, while simultaneously achieving greater distance, if that
is what you want. In other words, you do not have to prove wrong-doing by
another in order to distance yourself. In fact, by some strange paradox,
unhealthy people are likely to stay together, because they are still trying to fix
the other one, because they feel needed, or because they are afraid of leaving.
In other words, another person should not have to fail in order for you to have
permission to distance yourself, and pursue your own personal interests and
life style.
Why would a person need another person to fail in order to have permission to
direct their own life? Again, this seems to involve a problem with self-
development. Who can give you permission to be a person and to live your
own life according to your own personal values and needs? Is it some form of
dependency and unrealistic expectation that makes you want permission from
someone else? Think hard on this. Because in reality no one will give you
permission. Other people are busy living their own lives and pursuing their
own ideas about personal fulfillment and happiness. They don't have time to
give you permission to create your own life. Paradoxically, any person could
design a program for your life, including me. But then it would not be yours.
It would be me who would be satisfied. I would succeed in creating the world I
want for myself, and I would place you in it, in just the spot that I designate for
you! Maybe you learned as a child to put other people's needs and wishes
above your own. But remember, even Jesus wanted the people who asked
him for help to be able to state clearly what they wanted. I believe that
succeeding with learning the tools of the AnteUp Game will make you
stronger, so that you can better talk to yourself!
About the sex life of a married couple. It is absolutely true that couples who
produce seratonin and endorphins in each other's brains have better sex. Fear
is the antidote to happy sex. That is why it does not occur in the midst of war
activity, and why we try to use fear to stop adolescents from experimenting
with it. Again, you will never have the sex you want as long as basic safety
issues are in the way. That is the reason that in the AnteUp Game sexual
activity is at Level 6. Even female bears require a lot of aggressive and safe
foreplay before indulging in sex. All of the activity between her and her
partner take time, and they indicate to both of them, "I am playing, I am safe, I
am involved, I am assertive, and I am serious." Furthermore, one of the things
that partners enjoy with each other is that grown-up, self-confident people who
feel safe never mind asking for what they want!!
The next time someone is pressuring you to open the bathroom door, say
"Please go away. I need my privacy." Other women have to do this too. The
thing that matters is that he must comply with your wishes for your space. But
if you say no words to others in which you define your space, then you will
lose the rights to control your life.
Sometimes a person will try to manipulate you into feeling and acting
affectionate. If they say, "You are not affectionate," then respond with truth.
State clearly that you are not feeling affectionate, and that you are NEVER
affectionate with anyone unless you feel safe with them.
Regarding stress chemicals in the brain: most of the time, when my clients
leave my office, they say that they feel better than when they came. That is at
least partly because the feeling of comfort and safety made the seratonin in
their brains work well, and so they were able to relax. It is also because the
client is beginning to learn how to make his/her own choices, and thereby to
learn to determine the course of their own life. They are beginning to learn
what works and does not, and so they are beginning to enjoy a sense of clarity
about many issues involving health and personal progress. The therapist is just
there to help a process, not to determine the life goals of the client. And all of
this happen through the careful and judicious use of the AnteUp Game!
You described a time when a person helped you to feel defensive and off-
balance, so that you had difficulty responding at that moment. When you read
in my book, Fortresses to Build and to Destroy, you notice the times that
as a young person I sat "in stunned silence." This happens when a person has
behaved in a way that is unpredictable, inconsistent with normal expectations
of kind behavior, devious, belittling, manipulative and seemingly purposeless.
In such cases, the person's goals are exactly what you describe, that is, to knock
you off balance, to put you on the defensive, and to make you feel
uncomfortable or incompetent. Such moments are times when the AnteUp
Game is supremely helpful. It is at such points that one uses the Therapeutic
You Message, as described previously.
By the way, manipulative comments that are directed at your weaknesses,
inadequacies, failures or flaws are additional ways to invade your boundaries,
weaken your resolve, deflate your sense of self-direction, and decrease the
likelihood that you will grow and thrive as a person. When people hurt us in
this way, we might find ourself wanting to change their attitude towards us.
But why should we do that for them? Why do we need them to see our point
of view or understand our feelings? It is nobody else's job to agree with our
feelings or our goals, just as it is not our job to convert them to our way of
thinking. We all must learn to think for ourselves, and to take responsibility for
our own choices and actions. This may not lead to peace with other people,
but it will lead to greater health and personal satisfaction in the long run for
everyone involved.
Another way to look at this is to think about mutuality of benefits in our
relationships, especially in our agreements with one another. Our goal with
people is to have 'win-win' agreements, and to avoid 'win-lose' agreements
(zero sum games). The reason for this is that people will not keep their
agreements if they feel that they were disadvantaged during the process.
Similarly, it is important in our negotiations with other people that we direct
our energy towards the aspects of the other person that they most like about
themselves, that is, towards the most positive aspects of their self-image. If we
do that, they will feel that they negotiated from a point of strength, and they
will keep their agreements. This takes humility on our part,because we may
not agree with their self-assessment. We may not believe that they are 'always
right,' or that they are 'just trying to help.' Our humility comes from our
understanding that we all are inadequate, and we all hang onto our self-
esteem by the most fragile of threads. So if we want others to relate kindly to
us regarding our own self-image, then we must similarly do as much for them.
By contrast, when people want to play win-lose games with us, they do so
because they want to get the upper hand. They want to feel superior. That is
why they belittle us by focusing the maximum attention on our weaknesses
and flaws. When people invite you into win-lose games, you will notice that
you feel uneasy and unsafe. That tells you to be careful to use the principles of
the AnteUp Game. Sometimes you can use a Therapeutic You Message to
provide them with a mirror of their behavior. Sometimes you can 'Ante-Down'
to a safer level. But if the interchange includes a Discount then handle it the
way you handle all discounts. Turn your head away and disengage.
You might think that it takes too much time and energy to "AnteUp" with
people who denignate as undeserving of attention. In fact, these are precisely
the moments that you need to remember to use the AnteUp Game. In such
cases, keep it at Level 1 and 2. Be safe, and feel competent without being
unkind in the process.
Sometimes people misunderstand the AnteUp Game and think that they have a
duty to "Up the Ante." This is incorrect. There are many relationships where
the game process remains at 'Match,' of even 'No play.' There are also very
good relationships in which because of the timing of the conversation, that a
Match is better than to pursue higher levels of intimacy. Remember that 'the
name of the game' is safety and engagement. Then you will know whether to
increase levels of intimacy or not. Remember also that you are only using a
game to relearn what would have been natural if faulty learning had not bent
your mind and relational habits in a wrong direction.
Finally, in conversation, watch for cognitive distortions. There is a handout
of ten common thinking distortions on the website, in the Happiness Now
section, listed as Recovery. These ideas paraphrase some material from a book,
Feeling Good, by David D. Burns, MD. When you notice cognitive distortions
in your thinking or in conversation, direct your mind towards truth. Use the
AnteUp Game (probably Level 3) to agree with any truth that was spoken in
the conversation, and do not respond verbally to the cognitive distortions of
others. If you do this over time, then people who talk with you will gradually
improve their truth-telling capabilities and inclinations, because they will not
be rewarded with energy and attention that is directed at cognitive distortions.
On the other hand, if the cognitive distortions are occurring in your own mind,
then use self-talk to correct yourself. State clearly to yourself what you just said
in error, then answer to yourself, "I don't believe that any more!" This begins
the healing of negative programming in your mind left over from faulty
childhood learning. This takes a lot of time and energy. But then, it is your life
and your health that is at stake. Good luck learning all this wonderful, life-
enhancing stuff! You will be so proud of yourself after you have mastered it.
Moreover, you will be a truly useful human being, contributing much value to
the lives of other people.
Nancy Carter, LCSW
Your message to me, as usual, deserves a lot of thought. First of all, I can tell
that you are making progress. So let's get more specific.
You start off with a comment about self-actualization. A good book which
deals with this subject is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen
Covey, which encourages you to imagine yourself at the end of your life, and
then to think about what you wanted to say to others that your life was about.
The book provides extensive suggestions about how to find these answers for
yourself. The book makes the point that effective people live their lives
according to certain principles, rather than according to specific relationships
(such as husbands, children, parents) or life tasks (such as work, earning
money). With this book, you are expected to find your own way, knowing that
each person is different, and will therefore reach different life goals. Often
people who have searched their minds and hearts begin to learn principles for
living, such as 'we are here to learn,' to love, to seek truth, or to be of service.
We all know people who believe that their life purposes are to control others,
to manipulate, or simply to have as much fun as possible. We have to choose.
When we learn about our life's purpose, we must first learn that we are human
beings because we decide. The simple act of making a decision increases our
selfhood. That is why we must never regret a decision. No matter what the
outcome of that decision, the impact on our selfhood is what is most important
in the long run. Of course, making a decision means that we 'own' the effects
and the ramifications of that decision. No matter how difficult are the paths we
find ourself on consequent to the decisions we have made, the most important
matter is simply that making a decision was good for us. Part of the reason that
our society has partially eliminated institutions for the mentally retarded, the
mentally ill, or the aged is that the lack of decision and the privacy attendant to
decision causes a personality deterioration. People do not get well in such
places. They slowly lose their sense of personhood, empowerment and well-
being. Note here that privacy is important to personal empowerment, because
without it we cannot fully create our own self-image or the decisions that
emanate from that point of view. At the same time that we need privacy, we
also need community, for it is in relationships that we experience the feelings
that increase self-knowledge and increase our capacity for authenticity with
others.
If decision increases selfhood, then an agreement is a joint decision
between two or more people. I notice that people who have a poor self-
image, and who lack a sense of selfhood, with its fortunate capacity for a
healthy will-to-action, have a serious difficulty making and keeping
agreements. One way, therefore, to increase our knowledge of ourselves as
vital and competent people it to vow to keep all of our agreements with
ourselves and others. People who are recovering from Codependency learn
quickly to stop promising more than they can deliver. It is so easy to say, "We
are going to have lunch together one day," knowing full well that we will
forget to do this because we don't really have the time, or because it is not
really top priority for us. We make promises that are primarily wish fulfillments.
We want them to be true, but they are not. I teach all my clients, therefore,
this saying: "Healthy people make and keep agreements; addictive
personalities make promises and excuses."
The understanding of personal decision is not complete without a discussion of
our personal needs. That is where Maslow's Hierarch of Needs is useful.
When you look at the triangle, you notice that the areas at the bottom of the
triangle take up relatively more space than the very small triangle at the top
that depicts self-actualization. In other words, many needs must be met before
a person will be able to realistically address self-actualization needs. What I say
to clients is: "If you were on a street in the rain with no shelter, and you were
hungry and naked, and a tiger started running towards you, which need would
you address first?" Most people would see the logic of taking care of a basic
safety need first, that is, of running from the tiger. Many people satisfy their
needs for safety, only to spend most of their lives on issues of security, that is
food, clothing and shelter. They never make it up to the level of affiliation
(what I call love, but is not really the same. It really is about connection and
participation with other human beings on a more general level). Sometimes
you notice that miliary families who move frequently have to take care of the
levels of security and affiliation over and over. In some cases they might get
stuck at those levels. They never get to the level of Recognition, which must
be fulfilled before one becomes "Self-Actualized". In many abusive
relationships, a spouse or parent deliberately causes another person to remain
concerned with the needs for safety and security. By doing this, the victim
could never achieve enough "Self-Actualization" to leave the abusive
relationship. It is interesting to me to notice that some teen-agers are able to
reach all the way to the top of the hierarchy. Their parents provide them with
safety and security. School and church provides them with Affiliation and
often Recognition. Thus they are able for a short while to know what it is to
write, to paint, to organize activities, or do whatever turns them on as an
individual. Soon enough, they will be out on their own, forced to think about
safety and security issues for themselves and their families. They will probably
not achieve self-actualization again until they are at midlife, when many family
and work tasks are finally accomplished.
Now how does that gibe with the Ante-Up Game? Notice that if safety needs
are never met in a relationship, then self-actualization, or even love, would not
be possible. Thus, in the principles given for the Ante-Up Game, it describes
the central two purposes of the process as being Safety and
Engagement. Then other virtues, such as respect for the other person, and a
sense of timeliness, can follow.
Put these two things together and you see the explanation of why you cannot
feel the quality of love that you want. Namely because the relationship has
not been an emotionally safe place for you to be. So my last communication
with you was all about taking control of the verbal exchanges between you
and the person with whom you are relating, so that safety can be achieved.
Eventually, when you have mastered the AnteUp Game, no person will ever be
able to make you feel unsafe again (unless of course they choose to use a
weapon!). That is why it is so important that you learn how to master this
communication method while you are still relating to a person who makes it
difficult for you. I suggest that the next time a person asks you "Why aren't
you more affectionate?" you can respond by telling him that you still do not
feel that your feelings and life purposes are SAFE when you attempt
communication with him/her. Therapeutic relationships also are all about
safety. If you do not feel safe with your therapist (minister, friend, family
member), then your sense of selfhood will not increase in that relationship.
Notice also that in the AnteUp Game it would be perfectly permissible to give a
man a kiss at level one or level three. You need to learn how to communicate
to your love relationship that "a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh." They are
not fundamental to life, and they should stand by themselves as expressions of
affection and regard, without indicating that sexual intercourse will necessarily
follow. Practicing this with a partner is part of practicing the AnteUp Game.
You do not need to allow a spouse or romantic interest to make you feel guilty
because you gave him a kiss, but did not follow it with a complete sex act. He
has to learn this, so do you. Otherwise, you will always feel defensive. You
will always feel that when you give a little, your partner will demand a lot! In
the future, he will have to earn a kiss by giving eye contact and being friendly.
But he has to do a lot more than that in order to earn "the whole deal"! Note
that this escalation of communication through both verbal exchanges and
body language is illustrated in the diagram on the Onion Theory listed in the
Table of Contents.
You say that sometimes "I find myself not wanting to bother". This is a
symptom of being in a relationship where people do not relate to each other
according to the principles of the AnteUp Game, with its emphasis on safety
and engagement. Why do people unlearn a communication that is effective
and natural? Precisely because they have been taught to depend on others for
personal fulfillment.
Many men and women have a tendency towards dependency. They want a
relationship to be satisfying, but they believe that the other person should be
contributing more goodness, competency and perfection than they are
presently capable of providing. So all this person's energies are being spent
trying to correct and improve (and rescue) the partner. If only they would
improve, then they would be more dependable for you! They would be better
guides, leaders and lovers, and you could just depend on them for wish-
fulfillment, personal satisfaction and relationship simpatico.
Eventually you will deliberately work to learn these principles of the AnteUp
Game and its collateral principles, not because you want the relationship to
work, but because you want to be fully grown-up in all of your relationships. If
another person often controls the dialogue, then you have a lot of learning
and practice and work to do! You recently described a conversation in which
you directed the process of dialogue from an unsafe Level 6 content back
down to a safer, more effectual Level 3. Now you have really got the idea.
You can control the health, progress and safety of any conversation (unless
your cohort is willing to use physical power against you, in which case you
leave the relationship as soon as it is safe to do so). Thus the Ante-Up Game is
very empowering. All people involved are eventually uplifted by greater levels
of health and capacity for true empathy.
Sometimes a person will attempt to manipulate you into feeling on the
defensive. At that point remember the principles about System Theory and
Boundaries, which we discussed previously. (See the articles included in this
section of the website.) You are a person. You have space that belongs only to
you. You have a right to set limits on whether or not another person shares
your space with you.
Sometimes personal questions make you feel unsafe. They violate your space.
They create stress chemicals in your brain. They create a legitimate need to
either fight for your space, or to run from the offender. Fortunately, the
AnteUp Game gives you tools for doing this gracefully and effectively. If a
person in your life keeps asking for information they are not entitled to, tell
him/her that you will tell him about your day only if he/she seems genuinely
interested (Ante Up Game level 3), but you certainly will not accept being
quizzed about your daily activities, as that violates your rights and makes you
feel unsafe. When we share with one another, we make very personal choices
about what we reveal. If we are comfortable sharing with another person, we
feel joy! If we feel stressed, then we can back up and use the AnteUp Game to
share at a simpler and less dangerous conversational or physical level. Some
people are so invasive that they will not respect physical barriers, such as
closed doors, including the bathroom or the bedroom. Remember that
personal, physical space is a Safety issue, not an Affiliation issue (back to
Maslow's Hierarchy). We must have the safety of privacy before we will feel
like the intimacy of coming together for affiliation. Obviously, a person who
cannot respect ordinary physical boundaries, such as the bathroom door, will
be unlikely to be able to respect boundaries of space that is primarily
intellectual, emotional, decisional or relational.
You described to me a relationship tactic which involved handing your partner
a written note, instead of a verbal comment. This is a good strategy when it is
important to maintain the interaction at no higher than Level 3 until such time
as there is increased safety. For such reasons, people in conflict and serious
misunderstanding might very well use letters, notes, emails and even book
exchanges to communicate in such a way as to increase both safety and time
to absorb new information.
You also described times in which your partner does not respond to things you
say, things that matter to you, or times that he says things to you that do not
relate to what you said. This lack of comment is important. A lack of response,
or a response that does not relate to what you said, is defined as being a
Discount. The discount makes it appear that your comment didn't happen, or
that it did not matter. Discounts are highly dangerous to personal emotional
health. They are the most destructive interactions that occur between people.
This is because the victim slowly begins to learn that their words to not matter
and eventually they themselves begin to say words that do not relate
realistically to the situation at hand. Emotional illness, characterized by a form
of meaningless babble, can result, if this kind of contact occurs too often with a
victim who is successfully isolated by an abusive personality. Read
Shakespeare's King Lear for an example of multiple discounts leading to
insanity.
Therefore, if a partner indulges in the discount, turn your body physically away
from such exchanges the best and fastest way that you can. By so doing, you
talk to your own unconscious mind. You say to yourself, "I saw that, but I don't
agree with it, or buy into it." Do not say to the offender, "You did not answer
me." They know full well that they did not respond. Use your body silently to
respond, because it has the effect of setting limits on this dangerous and
unhealthy behavior. If turning away results in violence, then you know that
you need a serious exit from this relationship.
Sometimes a person tries to confront you about your own personal goals. You
use the AnteUp Game to protect yourself from this invasion. If dialogue
between two people is constructive, then sharing about one's plans comes
natural and feels good. If on the other hand, you feel stressed, tense,
intimidated, or uncomfortable, then direct the conversation towards lower,
safer levels of the AnteUp Game.
One of the important principles about relationship includes the choice to be in
a relationship or not. If all the people in your life learn to be healthy, satisfied,
self-directed, and personally fulfilled, it will still be true that you will choose the
people with whom you want to share your own personal space. Occasionally,
you will achieve health, while simultaneously achieving greater distance, if that
is what you want. In other words, you do not have to prove wrong-doing by
another in order to distance yourself. In fact, by some strange paradox,
unhealthy people are likely to stay together, because they are still trying to fix
the other one, because they feel needed, or because they are afraid of leaving.
In other words, another person should not have to fail in order for you to have
permission to distance yourself, and pursue your own personal interests and
life style.
Why would a person need another person to fail in order to have permission to
direct their own life? Again, this seems to involve a problem with self-
development. Who can give you permission to be a person and to live your
own life according to your own personal values and needs? Is it some form of
dependency and unrealistic expectation that makes you want permission from
someone else? Think hard on this. Because in reality no one will give you
permission. Other people are busy living their own lives and pursuing their
own ideas about personal fulfillment and happiness. They don't have time to
give you permission to create your own life. Paradoxically, any person could
design a program for your life, including me. But then it would not be yours.
It would be me who would be satisfied. I would succeed in creating the world I
want for myself, and I would place you in it, in just the spot that I designate for
you! Maybe you learned as a child to put other people's needs and wishes
above your own. But remember, even Jesus wanted the people who asked
him for help to be able to state clearly what they wanted. I believe that
succeeding with learning the tools of the AnteUp Game will make you
stronger, so that you can better talk to yourself!
About the sex life of a married couple. It is absolutely true that couples who
produce seratonin and endorphins in each other's brains have better sex. Fear
is the antidote to happy sex. That is why it does not occur in the midst of war
activity, and why we try to use fear to stop adolescents from experimenting
with it. Again, you will never have the sex you want as long as basic safety
issues are in the way. That is the reason that in the AnteUp Game sexual
activity is at Level 6. Even female bears require a lot of aggressive and safe
foreplay before indulging in sex. All of the activity between her and her
partner take time, and they indicate to both of them, "I am playing, I am safe, I
am involved, I am assertive, and I am serious." Furthermore, one of the things
that partners enjoy with each other is that grown-up, self-confident people who
feel safe never mind asking for what they want!!
The next time someone is pressuring you to open the bathroom door, say
"Please go away. I need my privacy." Other women have to do this too. The
thing that matters is that he must comply with your wishes for your space. But
if you say no words to others in which you define your space, then you will
lose the rights to control your life.
Sometimes a person will try to manipulate you into feeling and acting
affectionate. If they say, "You are not affectionate," then respond with truth.
State clearly that you are not feeling affectionate, and that you are NEVER
affectionate with anyone unless you feel safe with them.
Regarding stress chemicals in the brain: most of the time, when my clients
leave my office, they say that they feel better than when they came. That is at
least partly because the feeling of comfort and safety made the seratonin in
their brains work well, and so they were able to relax. It is also because the
client is beginning to learn how to make his/her own choices, and thereby to
learn to determine the course of their own life. They are beginning to learn
what works and does not, and so they are beginning to enjoy a sense of clarity
about many issues involving health and personal progress. The therapist is just
there to help a process, not to determine the life goals of the client. And all of
this happen through the careful and judicious use of the AnteUp Game!
You described a time when a person helped you to feel defensive and off-
balance, so that you had difficulty responding at that moment. When you read
in my book, Fortresses to Build and to Destroy, you notice the times that
as a young person I sat "in stunned silence." This happens when a person has
behaved in a way that is unpredictable, inconsistent with normal expectations
of kind behavior, devious, belittling, manipulative and seemingly purposeless.
In such cases, the person's goals are exactly what you describe, that is, to knock
you off balance, to put you on the defensive, and to make you feel
uncomfortable or incompetent. Such moments are times when the AnteUp
Game is supremely helpful. It is at such points that one uses the Therapeutic
You Message, as described previously.
By the way, manipulative comments that are directed at your weaknesses,
inadequacies, failures or flaws are additional ways to invade your boundaries,
weaken your resolve, deflate your sense of self-direction, and decrease the
likelihood that you will grow and thrive as a person. When people hurt us in
this way, we might find ourself wanting to change their attitude towards us.
But why should we do that for them? Why do we need them to see our point
of view or understand our feelings? It is nobody else's job to agree with our
feelings or our goals, just as it is not our job to convert them to our way of
thinking. We all must learn to think for ourselves, and to take responsibility for
our own choices and actions. This may not lead to peace with other people,
but it will lead to greater health and personal satisfaction in the long run for
everyone involved.
Another way to look at this is to think about mutuality of benefits in our
relationships, especially in our agreements with one another. Our goal with
people is to have 'win-win' agreements, and to avoid 'win-lose' agreements
(zero sum games). The reason for this is that people will not keep their
agreements if they feel that they were disadvantaged during the process.
Similarly, it is important in our negotiations with other people that we direct
our energy towards the aspects of the other person that they most like about
themselves, that is, towards the most positive aspects of their self-image. If we
do that, they will feel that they negotiated from a point of strength, and they
will keep their agreements. This takes humility on our part,because we may
not agree with their self-assessment. We may not believe that they are 'always
right,' or that they are 'just trying to help.' Our humility comes from our
understanding that we all are inadequate, and we all hang onto our self-
esteem by the most fragile of threads. So if we want others to relate kindly to
us regarding our own self-image, then we must similarly do as much for them.
By contrast, when people want to play win-lose games with us, they do so
because they want to get the upper hand. They want to feel superior. That is
why they belittle us by focusing the maximum attention on our weaknesses
and flaws. When people invite you into win-lose games, you will notice that
you feel uneasy and unsafe. That tells you to be careful to use the principles of
the AnteUp Game. Sometimes you can use a Therapeutic You Message to
provide them with a mirror of their behavior. Sometimes you can 'Ante-Down'
to a safer level. But if the interchange includes a Discount then handle it the
way you handle all discounts. Turn your head away and disengage.
You might think that it takes too much time and energy to "AnteUp" with
people who denignate as undeserving of attention. In fact, these are precisely
the moments that you need to remember to use the AnteUp Game. In such
cases, keep it at Level 1 and 2. Be safe, and feel competent without being
unkind in the process.
Sometimes people misunderstand the AnteUp Game and think that they have a
duty to "Up the Ante." This is incorrect. There are many relationships where
the game process remains at 'Match,' of even 'No play.' There are also very
good relationships in which because of the timing of the conversation, that a
Match is better than to pursue higher levels of intimacy. Remember that 'the
name of the game' is safety and engagement. Then you will know whether to
increase levels of intimacy or not. Remember also that you are only using a
game to relearn what would have been natural if faulty learning had not bent
your mind and relational habits in a wrong direction.
Finally, in conversation, watch for cognitive distortions. There is a handout
of ten common thinking distortions on the website, in the Happiness Now
section, listed as Recovery. These ideas paraphrase some material from a book,
Feeling Good, by David D. Burns, MD. When you notice cognitive distortions
in your thinking or in conversation, direct your mind towards truth. Use the
AnteUp Game (probably Level 3) to agree with any truth that was spoken in
the conversation, and do not respond verbally to the cognitive distortions of
others. If you do this over time, then people who talk with you will gradually
improve their truth-telling capabilities and inclinations, because they will not
be rewarded with energy and attention that is directed at cognitive distortions.
On the other hand, if the cognitive distortions are occurring in your own mind,
then use self-talk to correct yourself. State clearly to yourself what you just said
in error, then answer to yourself, "I don't believe that any more!" This begins
the healing of negative programming in your mind left over from faulty
childhood learning. This takes a lot of time and energy. But then, it is your life
and your health that is at stake. Good luck learning all this wonderful, life-
enhancing stuff! You will be so proud of yourself after you have mastered it.
Moreover, you will be a truly useful human being, contributing much value to
the lives of other people.
Nancy Carter, LCSW
- © Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW
| LEVEL 2 THE IMPERSONAL PERSONAL Anything that Anyone in Town Can Know You Could Learn About This at the Courthouse People with excellent interpersonal skills are good at this level, including salespersons, politicians, and church members |
| LEVEL 3 THE PRIVATE PERSONAL The Things That People Close to You Can Know This Means You Are Friends This stage requires self-restraint to avoid excessive personal revelation, e.g. about religious, political opinions |
| LEVEL 4 VALUE AND MEANING Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values Getting to Know You for Real This begins the serious test of whether of not you will want to be close to this person. This exploration should require many conversations and should precede discussion of personal hopes and dreams and hurtful past experiences |
| LEVEL 5 HOPES AND DREAMS Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values We Imagine About Happiness and Love This begins the test to see whether this person could share your life and help you fulfill your plans for the future |
| LEVEL 6 JOY, HURTS AND FEARS Our Most Private Feelings and Experiences We Deal with What Matters Most This tests the trustworthiness of the other |
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| Principles of Decision and Agreement and Maslow's Hierarch of Needs |
You have been telling me
about conflicts between
you and your friend. So
it is time for me to tell
you about another facet of
communication that
blends well with each of
the other principles of the
AnteUp Game. You will
learn how the Principles of
Decision and Agreement
work together with
Maslow's Hierarchy of
Needs to help you reach
towards mutuality and
authenticity in all of
your relationships.
about conflicts between
you and your friend. So
it is time for me to tell
you about another facet of
communication that
blends well with each of
the other principles of the
AnteUp Game. You will
learn how the Principles of
Decision and Agreement
work together with
Maslow's Hierarchy of
Needs to help you reach
towards mutuality and
authenticity in all of
your relationships.
This chapter was written in
response to the needs of several
clients, both male and female,
who needed to master better
strategies for coping effectively
with domineering and
self-centered partners. I hope
the ideas benefit you as well!
response to the needs of several
clients, both male and female,
who needed to master better
strategies for coping effectively
with domineering and
self-centered partners. I hope
the ideas benefit you as well!