Whenever I see two people, I make an estimate in my mind as to which
one has the most and least power in the relationship. That is, which
one has the most leverage in making things happen. In a healthy
relationship, of course, there is a balance of power. In fact, in a highly
vital, creative relationship, then the use of power by one person
empowers the other and vice versa. Thus the use of energy and power
revitalizes both people at the same time. But with less healthy people
there is a formula about power and need. If one person has a need,
and the other one can fill that need, then the first person has need, and
the second person has power. So, for instance, if you need a job, and I
have a job that needs to be filled, then you have the need, and I have
the power. Unless of course, there are 100 jobs available to you, and
only 2 or 3 people available for me. In that case, then you would have
the power, and I would have the need.
Sometimes in therapy, it is good to help the couple equalize the power.
For instance, if the wife has been very codependent, a good caretaker,
a constant supervisor, and the major complainer in the therapy, and
the man has become more and more withdrawn, isolated and
irresponsible, then it is necessary for the therapist to try and increase
his power in the relationship. This can be done by increasing his
responsibility for the action and the outcome of the problem-solving.
The therapist will give him tasks that force him to take action, give
opinions, and set standards. The therapist will even go so far as to tell
him that it will be his fault if the solution fails. The primary benefit is
that he is empowered. A secondary benefit might be that the
complaining spouse might actually feel mercy towards him, and feel
guilty about his taking all the blame for the problem at hand. In such a
case, the complaining spouse may become supportive towards him
instead of blaming him. Such therapeutic methodology was
championed by a therapist named Jay Haley, who developed Strategic
Therapy and Paradoxical Intent Therapy.
Sometimes well-meaning helpers do this without understanding what
they are doing. If the husband is the complaining spouse, who uses his
power badly for control and manipulation, the his spouse might have
become more and more powerdown in the relationship. How can she
increase your power in the relationship in the hope of possible
healing? She might do that by assuming more responsibility, not less,
and by taking charge of more of the interactions between them.
In summary, it is important to assess who has the most power in the
relationship, and who has the most need. Since power equals energy,
we can then examine whether the power and energy is being used
well. Is it building the relationship? Is it giving vitality to other
people? Or is the use of power tending to sap energy out of people
and relationships?
There is another way to look at the same idea. The one who is most
able to get tired of the whole thing and walk away from the marriage
is generally the one who has the most power in the situation. The one
who is begging for another chance is the one who has the most need.
Thus it becomes our goal to learn how to use our power and energy
better. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, described love
(paraphrased by me) as follows: to love is to use your energy in the
best interest of another person. This means that you must learn how to
set a limit on another person's controlling and manipulative behavior.
After all, from a spiritual perspective, it is not good for another person
to be unable to be loving towards others.
To this end, we all must learn to use our power to say "No" and to set
limits. In addition, it is best to practice setting limits and boundaries
with others, even if you plan to leave the relationship, partly because
you need to learn the skill. You need to increase healthy assertive
power. Because if you don't, then later you will have the same
problem all over again with family, children and other relationships.
Also, if you do this for another person, even if you end up ending the
relationship, you will have helped that person learn how to relate
better to other people. Back to Jay Haley's tactics: you must face the
reality that you often have not confronted and set limits on the
aggression of other, and take responsibility for your dependency on
them to 'do the right thing.'
When a person is verbally aggressive towards you, then use this
communication tactic: look away. Disengage. Get up and leave the
room. You can talk to him about it at a later time, if you think he will
listen to an explanation. But if you develop this skill well enough,
eventually his brain will begin to modify itself. (This would be
predicted by Classical Conditioning). We don't only learn by reason or
reward. We also learn by repetition and by consequence. We can
teach ourself to become conditioned to new responses to old problems.
Eventually, you will also be able to use the Therapeutic You Message
for dealing with aggressive verbal behavior. This involves skill and
uses energy in the best interest of the other person while protecting
yourself.
Naturally you feel angry when another person invades your space, and
verbally belittles you (See The Carter Matrix of Emotions). Who
wouldn't?
So let's talk about anger. There are three responses to stress: fight, run,
and cope. These actions correspond to three God-given emotions:
anger, fear and sadness (grief). I say they are God-given because they
are genetic in nature. There are physiological correlates to these
emotions that provide effectiveness at fight, escape or grief. When
someone invades our 'space.' we feel angry. There is a place in the
brain that tells us automatically if we can fight and win. If we cannot
win, then our brain tells us that the threat is real; we should be afraid
and we should run. But if our brain tells us that our space is
threatened, and we have the power to fight and win, then our body is
flooded with the signs and symptoms of anger. The very fact that you
feel angry is evidence that your very capable brain knows that you can
win 'this round.' My effort is to help you learn the skills to fight the
battles in a healthy way, so that you can build your own health, while
also improving his understanding of his fellow human beings.
Remember anger is God-given, and is there for a reason. So use your
power well for growth, learning and mutual enrichment.
The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is often
described as indifference. The Bible states that "perfect love casts out
fear." In other words, the opposite of love is fear, not hate. Sometimes
hate is a clear indication that love is still present, but that there are
serious boundary issues that need to be soved. That is, hate says: "Get
away from me," whereas assertive love might say, "We are going to
solve this problem of boundary violation."
In other words, hate is just an exaggeration of the function of
biological anger. When we get hate under control, and return to more
useful forms of anger, including strategies for action, then we can
begin to protect our space from aggressive or invasive people.
Space is not just physical territory that we draw lines around. It is our
values, our dreams, our talents, our personal rights, our beliefs, our
hopes, our needs for friendship and a social life. All of these things can
be violated during childhood, marriage, or in the workplace. Thus all of
them deserve a 'fight' response, that is real assertiveness in protecting
those rights.
So keep your anger. Turn that anger into slow, sustained action in
protecting your space, establishing limits and boundaries, and in
expressing your thoughts and feelings about domination and control.
See story below.
On the other hand, if your husband has no tolerance for your learning
to stand up for yourself, then you will know, your brain will tell you, to
be afraid, and to leave just as fast and effectively as you can.
How do we know if a relationship is worth saving? When another
person accepts our right to set limits and to protect our boundaries,
then we can acknowledge that he/she has more ability to learn than
you previously perceived, considered or believed. This is one place
where forgiveness is appropriate. If people change in response to us,
then the relationship is authentic, because we are both responding and
changing in response to one another. The happy response to this is
gratitude, not forgiveness. When authenticity is present, then so also is
justice, for both people are getting needs met.
Thus we can observe that where there is wrong-doing in a relationship,
our first effort is to achieve authenticity in responding and relating to
that violation of personal rights. When that person responds to our
needs, then change has occurred and justice is accomplished. Or, if
they cannot change, but are willing to acknowledge and validate our
need, then we have an opportunity to experience gratitude. It is only
when there is neither justice nor gratitude, that we use forgiveness as a
substitute for the felt impulse towards revenge. (For more on this, see
my book, Fortresses to Build and To Destroy, the Chapter on Anger and
Revenge.)
In addition, there is an important saying for you to memorize: it is
Minimize the Damage. That means that you will use the least
amount of energy on the unhealthy behavior of others. You do have
to attend to it. Often you will use the Therapeutic You Message, an
Assertive Message, or another response using Cost-Benefit Techniques.
After using the least response possible, then make another response to
whatever is good, right and true in the present situation and
conversation. If you do this long enough, over enough time, your
partner will become more truthful and wholesome in his/her
conversations with you.
One last note. About bonding. Human beings bond to one another
because they are made for bonding and attachment. Married people
stay bonded to each other unless they make two mistakes. First, they
hurt each other. Second, they forget to be 'present' with one another.
If these things happen, then the bonding disintegrates. However, if
they stop hurting each other and begin to be present with one
another, and if confidently they just relax and let things be, then the
bonding will reoccur. So all you have to think about is stopping the
abuse and stopping the lack of 'presentness' in the relationship. If you
cannot succeed, then the relationship is over. If you can succeed, then
you both will have used your power very well, and you might want to
take a second look at the relationship possibilities.
I hope this is useful to you, and helps relieve your very understandable
and significant emotional pain.
Nancy Carter, LCSW
one has the most and least power in the relationship. That is, which
one has the most leverage in making things happen. In a healthy
relationship, of course, there is a balance of power. In fact, in a highly
vital, creative relationship, then the use of power by one person
empowers the other and vice versa. Thus the use of energy and power
revitalizes both people at the same time. But with less healthy people
there is a formula about power and need. If one person has a need,
and the other one can fill that need, then the first person has need, and
the second person has power. So, for instance, if you need a job, and I
have a job that needs to be filled, then you have the need, and I have
the power. Unless of course, there are 100 jobs available to you, and
only 2 or 3 people available for me. In that case, then you would have
the power, and I would have the need.
Sometimes in therapy, it is good to help the couple equalize the power.
For instance, if the wife has been very codependent, a good caretaker,
a constant supervisor, and the major complainer in the therapy, and
the man has become more and more withdrawn, isolated and
irresponsible, then it is necessary for the therapist to try and increase
his power in the relationship. This can be done by increasing his
responsibility for the action and the outcome of the problem-solving.
The therapist will give him tasks that force him to take action, give
opinions, and set standards. The therapist will even go so far as to tell
him that it will be his fault if the solution fails. The primary benefit is
that he is empowered. A secondary benefit might be that the
complaining spouse might actually feel mercy towards him, and feel
guilty about his taking all the blame for the problem at hand. In such a
case, the complaining spouse may become supportive towards him
instead of blaming him. Such therapeutic methodology was
championed by a therapist named Jay Haley, who developed Strategic
Therapy and Paradoxical Intent Therapy.
Sometimes well-meaning helpers do this without understanding what
they are doing. If the husband is the complaining spouse, who uses his
power badly for control and manipulation, the his spouse might have
become more and more powerdown in the relationship. How can she
increase your power in the relationship in the hope of possible
healing? She might do that by assuming more responsibility, not less,
and by taking charge of more of the interactions between them.
In summary, it is important to assess who has the most power in the
relationship, and who has the most need. Since power equals energy,
we can then examine whether the power and energy is being used
well. Is it building the relationship? Is it giving vitality to other
people? Or is the use of power tending to sap energy out of people
and relationships?
There is another way to look at the same idea. The one who is most
able to get tired of the whole thing and walk away from the marriage
is generally the one who has the most power in the situation. The one
who is begging for another chance is the one who has the most need.
Thus it becomes our goal to learn how to use our power and energy
better. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, described love
(paraphrased by me) as follows: to love is to use your energy in the
best interest of another person. This means that you must learn how to
set a limit on another person's controlling and manipulative behavior.
After all, from a spiritual perspective, it is not good for another person
to be unable to be loving towards others.
To this end, we all must learn to use our power to say "No" and to set
limits. In addition, it is best to practice setting limits and boundaries
with others, even if you plan to leave the relationship, partly because
you need to learn the skill. You need to increase healthy assertive
power. Because if you don't, then later you will have the same
problem all over again with family, children and other relationships.
Also, if you do this for another person, even if you end up ending the
relationship, you will have helped that person learn how to relate
better to other people. Back to Jay Haley's tactics: you must face the
reality that you often have not confronted and set limits on the
aggression of other, and take responsibility for your dependency on
them to 'do the right thing.'
When a person is verbally aggressive towards you, then use this
communication tactic: look away. Disengage. Get up and leave the
room. You can talk to him about it at a later time, if you think he will
listen to an explanation. But if you develop this skill well enough,
eventually his brain will begin to modify itself. (This would be
predicted by Classical Conditioning). We don't only learn by reason or
reward. We also learn by repetition and by consequence. We can
teach ourself to become conditioned to new responses to old problems.
Eventually, you will also be able to use the Therapeutic You Message
for dealing with aggressive verbal behavior. This involves skill and
uses energy in the best interest of the other person while protecting
yourself.
Naturally you feel angry when another person invades your space, and
verbally belittles you (See The Carter Matrix of Emotions). Who
wouldn't?
So let's talk about anger. There are three responses to stress: fight, run,
and cope. These actions correspond to three God-given emotions:
anger, fear and sadness (grief). I say they are God-given because they
are genetic in nature. There are physiological correlates to these
emotions that provide effectiveness at fight, escape or grief. When
someone invades our 'space.' we feel angry. There is a place in the
brain that tells us automatically if we can fight and win. If we cannot
win, then our brain tells us that the threat is real; we should be afraid
and we should run. But if our brain tells us that our space is
threatened, and we have the power to fight and win, then our body is
flooded with the signs and symptoms of anger. The very fact that you
feel angry is evidence that your very capable brain knows that you can
win 'this round.' My effort is to help you learn the skills to fight the
battles in a healthy way, so that you can build your own health, while
also improving his understanding of his fellow human beings.
Remember anger is God-given, and is there for a reason. So use your
power well for growth, learning and mutual enrichment.
The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is often
described as indifference. The Bible states that "perfect love casts out
fear." In other words, the opposite of love is fear, not hate. Sometimes
hate is a clear indication that love is still present, but that there are
serious boundary issues that need to be soved. That is, hate says: "Get
away from me," whereas assertive love might say, "We are going to
solve this problem of boundary violation."
In other words, hate is just an exaggeration of the function of
biological anger. When we get hate under control, and return to more
useful forms of anger, including strategies for action, then we can
begin to protect our space from aggressive or invasive people.
Space is not just physical territory that we draw lines around. It is our
values, our dreams, our talents, our personal rights, our beliefs, our
hopes, our needs for friendship and a social life. All of these things can
be violated during childhood, marriage, or in the workplace. Thus all of
them deserve a 'fight' response, that is real assertiveness in protecting
those rights.
So keep your anger. Turn that anger into slow, sustained action in
protecting your space, establishing limits and boundaries, and in
expressing your thoughts and feelings about domination and control.
See story below.
On the other hand, if your husband has no tolerance for your learning
to stand up for yourself, then you will know, your brain will tell you, to
be afraid, and to leave just as fast and effectively as you can.
How do we know if a relationship is worth saving? When another
person accepts our right to set limits and to protect our boundaries,
then we can acknowledge that he/she has more ability to learn than
you previously perceived, considered or believed. This is one place
where forgiveness is appropriate. If people change in response to us,
then the relationship is authentic, because we are both responding and
changing in response to one another. The happy response to this is
gratitude, not forgiveness. When authenticity is present, then so also is
justice, for both people are getting needs met.
Thus we can observe that where there is wrong-doing in a relationship,
our first effort is to achieve authenticity in responding and relating to
that violation of personal rights. When that person responds to our
needs, then change has occurred and justice is accomplished. Or, if
they cannot change, but are willing to acknowledge and validate our
need, then we have an opportunity to experience gratitude. It is only
when there is neither justice nor gratitude, that we use forgiveness as a
substitute for the felt impulse towards revenge. (For more on this, see
my book, Fortresses to Build and To Destroy, the Chapter on Anger and
Revenge.)
In addition, there is an important saying for you to memorize: it is
Minimize the Damage. That means that you will use the least
amount of energy on the unhealthy behavior of others. You do have
to attend to it. Often you will use the Therapeutic You Message, an
Assertive Message, or another response using Cost-Benefit Techniques.
After using the least response possible, then make another response to
whatever is good, right and true in the present situation and
conversation. If you do this long enough, over enough time, your
partner will become more truthful and wholesome in his/her
conversations with you.
One last note. About bonding. Human beings bond to one another
because they are made for bonding and attachment. Married people
stay bonded to each other unless they make two mistakes. First, they
hurt each other. Second, they forget to be 'present' with one another.
If these things happen, then the bonding disintegrates. However, if
they stop hurting each other and begin to be present with one
another, and if confidently they just relax and let things be, then the
bonding will reoccur. So all you have to think about is stopping the
abuse and stopping the lack of 'presentness' in the relationship. If you
cannot succeed, then the relationship is over. If you can succeed, then
you both will have used your power very well, and you might want to
take a second look at the relationship possibilities.
I hope this is useful to you, and helps relieve your very understandable
and significant emotional pain.
Nancy Carter, LCSW
- © Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW
| ANTE-UP GAME METHOD LEVEL 1 OPENING LINES Small Talk that is Strictly Impersonal |
| LEVEL 2 THE IMPERSONAL PERSONAL Anything that Anyone in Town Can Know You Could Learn About This at the Courthouse People with excellent interpersonal skills are good at this level, including salespersons, politicians, and church members |
| LEVEL 3 THE PRIVATE PERSONAL The Things That People Close to You Can Know This Means You Are Friends This stage requires self-restraint to avoid excessive personal revelation, e.g. about religious, political opinions |
| LEVEL 4 VALUE AND MEANING Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values Getting to Know You for Real This begins the serious test of whether of not you will want to be close to this person. This exploration should require many conversations and should precede discussion of personal hopes and dreams and hurtful past experiences |
| LEVEL 5 HOPES AND DREAMS Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values We Imagine About Happiness and Love This begins the test to see whether this person could share your life and help you fulfill your plans for the future |
| LEVEL 6 JOY, HURTS AND FEARS Our Most Private Feelings and Experiences We Deal with What Matters Most This tests the trustworthiness of the other |
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| Hot Burning Coals for Sustained Progress |
- Using energy in the best
interest of ourselves and
others - Building authenticity and
mutual empowerment - Using anger to sustain
effort and progress - Forgiveness, Appreciation
and Justice
| To My Clients, These concepts are favorites with my clients, especially those who feel besieged by manipulative people who invade their space. I hope these ideas benefit you as well.! |
| Hot Burning Coals When I was 10 years old I read a story. It was about a 10 year old girl who lived in the Northeast in about 1750 AD. This girl lived in a farm community where families lived at a distance from one another. One day there was a terrible storm, and her family's fire went out. So this young girl trudged with her small covered rot iron kettle through through a freezing storm and deep snowdrifts, until she reached a neighboring farm. There she was able to place some of their hot burning coals in her rot iron kettle, then return to her home. That day she saved her family's life, because they were ble to rebuild their fire, and restore warmth and light to their home. I have been using this story with clients for 15 years to explain the purpose of anger. We all must learn that anger, in the form of hot burning coals, is necessary for sustained effort towards important tasks and goals. It is only when anger turns into rage that the flame flares excessively and burns up everything in sight. Then there is nothing left, not even hot burning coals. So it is important to learn to never give up legitimate, important and necessary anger. Instead, we convert that anger to sustained light and energy, persistence, and determination. We use anger to become physicians, social workers, or archetects. We use anger to change the things that must be changed. We use anger to protect ourselves and others and our communities. We have all known people who try to 'get their anger' out. They spread a nasty energy all over the people in their lives. But then they are spent. They make no change, and see no progress. They have lost the momentum for problem-solving that the anger could have provided to them. They are without power, and the other people in their lives are tired and sickened by the unhealthy atmosphere. So the moral of this story is that Anger is given to mankind to build what needs to be built, and to solve the problems that need to be solved. It is good, and it is only the misuse of feeling and belief and invasive action that is hurtful and destructive. So save your anger, and use it to create the world you want for yourself, even if it takes a long, long time! |
All Courtesy, Good Manners and Morality are based on The Golden Rule as taught by Jesus Christ. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. Honor the rights of others as you would want your own rights honored. See that people are treated with respect, because all people need to feel respected. Give wrong-doers the choice to change, because we all would want that for ourselves. People who do this have an inner moral compass that helps them relate authentically and empathetically towards other people. People who have no such inner compass have to rely on a 'road map', or a set of rules, to get where they are going in relationship. Their behavior is governed by the practical effects of their actions, by 'what people will think,' by what they expect to get out of their choices. They expect you to follow their rules because they want to guarantee a limited form of love for themselves without ever learning how to treat others with true regard. |
| Some Favorite Books The Road Less Traveled by M Scott Peck Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz Nasty People by Jay Carter |