Whenever I see two people, I make an estimate in my mind as to which one has the
most and least power in the relationship. That is, which one has the most leverage in
making things happen. In a healthy relationship, of course, there is a balance of power.
In fact, in a highly vital, creative relationship, then the use of power by one person
empowers the other and vice versa. Thus the use of energy and power revitalizes both
people at the same time. But with less healthy people there is a formula about power
and need. If one person has a need, and the other one can fill that need, then the first
person has need, and the second person has power. So, for instance, if you need a job,
and I have a job that needs to be filled, then you have the need, and I have the power.
Unless of course, there are 100 jobs available to you, and only 2 or 3 people available
for me. In that case, then you would have the power, and I would have the need.
Sometimes in therapy, it is good to help the couple equalize the power. For instance, if
the wife has been very codependent, a good caretaker, a constant supervisor, and the
major complainer in the therapy, and the man has become more and more withdrawn,
isolated and irresponsible, then it is necessary for the therapist to try and increase his
power in the relationship. This can be done by increasing his responsibility for the
action and the outcome of the problem-solving. The therapist will give him tasks that
force him to take action, give opinions, and set standards. The therapist will even go so
far as to tell him that it will be his fault if the solution fails. The primary benefit is that
he is empowered. A secondary benefit might be that the complaining spouse might
actually feel mercy towards him, and feel guilty about his taking all the blame for the
problem at hand. In such a case, the complaining spouse may become supportive
towards him instead of blaming him. Such therapeutic methodology was championed
by a therapist named Jay Haley, who developed Strategic Therapy and Paradoxical
Intent Therapy.
Sometimes well-meaning helpers do this without understanding what they are doing. If
the husband is the complaining spouse, who uses his power badly for control and
manipulation, the his spouse might have become more and more powerdown in the
relationship. How can she increase your power in the relationship in the hope of
possible healing? She might do that by assuming more responsibility, not less, and by
taking charge of more of the interactions between them.
In summary, it is important to assess who has the most power in the relationship, and
who has the most need. Since power equals energy, we can then examine whether the
power and energy is being used well. Is it building the relationship? Is it giving vitality
to other people? Or is the use of power tending to sap energy out of people and
relationships?
There is another way to look at the same idea. The one who is most able to get tired of
the whole thing and walk away from the marriage is generally the one who has the
most power in the situation. The one who is begging for another chance is the one who
has the most need.
Thus it becomes our goal to learn how to use our power and energy better.
M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, described love (paraphrased by
me) as follows: to love is to use your energy in the best interest of another person. This
means that you must learn how to set a limit on another person's controlling and
manipulative behavior. After all, from a spiritual perspective, it is not good for another
person to be unable to be loving towards others.
To this end, we all must learn to use our power to say "No" and to set limits. In addition,
it is best to practice setting limits and boundaries with others, even if you plan to leave
the relationship, partly because you need to learn the skill. You need to increase
healthy assertive power. Because if you don't, then later you will have the same
problem all over again with family, children and other relationships.
Also, if you do this for another person, even if you end up ending the relationship, you
will have helped that person learn how to relate better to other people. Back to Jay
Haley's tactics: you must face the reality that you often have not confronted and set
limits on the aggression of other, and take responsibility for your dependency on them
to 'do the right thing.'
When a person is verbally aggressive towards you, then use this communication tactic:
look away. Disengage. Get up and leave the room. You can talk to him about it at a
later time, if you think he will listen to an explanation. But if you develop this skill well
enough, eventually his brain will begin to modify itself. (This would be predicted by
Classical Conditioning). We don't only learn by reason or reward. We also learn by
repetition and by consequence. We can teach ourself to become conditioned to new
responses to old problems.
Eventually, you will also be able to use the Therapeutic You Message for dealing with
aggressive verbal behavior. This involves skill and uses energy in the best interest of the
other person while protecting yourself.
Naturally you feel angry when another person invades your space, and verbally belittles
you (See The Carter Matrix of Emotions). Who wouldn't?
So let's talk about anger. There are three responses to stress: fight, run, and cope. These
actions correspond to three God-given emotions: anger, fear and sadness (grief). I say
they are God-given because they are genetic in nature. There are physiological
correlates to these emotions that provide effectiveness at fight, escape or grief. When
someone invades our 'space.' we feel angry. There is a place in the brain that tells us
automatically if we can fight and win. If we cannot win, then our brain tells us that the
threat is real; we should be afraid and we should run. But if our brain tells us that our
space is threatened, and we have the power to fight and win, then our body is flooded
with the signs and symptoms of anger. The very fact that you feel angry is evidence
that your very capable brain knows that you can win 'this round.' My effort is to help
you learn the skills to fight the battles in a healthy way, so that you can build your own
health, while also improving his understanding of his fellow human beings. Remember
anger is God-given, and is there for a reason. So use your power well for growth,
learning and mutual enrichment.
The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is often described as indifference.
The Bible states that "perfect love casts out fear." In other words, the opposite of love is
fear, not hate. Sometimes hate is a clear indication that love is still present, but that
there are serious boundary issues that need to be soved. That is, hate says: "Get away
from me," whereas assertive love might say, "We are going to solve this problem of
boundary violation."
In other words, hate is just an exaggeration of the function of biological anger. When
we get hate under control, and return to more useful forms of anger, including
strategies for action, then we can begin to protect our space from aggressive or invasive
people.
Space is not just physical territory that we draw lines around. It is our values, our
dreams, our talents, our personal rights, our beliefs, our hopes, our needs for friendship
and a social life. All of these things can be violated during childhood, marriage, or in
the workplace. Thus all of them deserve a 'fight' response, that is real assertiveness in
protecting those rights.
So keep your anger. Turn that anger into slow, sustained action in protecting your
space, establishing limits and boundaries, and in expressing your thoughts and feelings
about domination and control. See story below.
On the other hand, if your husband has no tolerance for your learning to stand up for
yourself, then you will know, your brain will tell you, to be afraid, and to leave just as
fast and effectively as you can.
How do we know if a relationship is worth saving? When another person accepts our
right to set limits and to protect our boundaries, then we can acknowledge that he/she
has more ability to learn than you previously perceived, considered or believed. This is
one place where forgiveness is appropriate. If people change in response to us, then the
relationship is authentic, because we are both responding and changing in response to
one another. The happy response to this is gratitude, not forgiveness. When
authenticity is present, then so also is justice, for both people are getting needs met.
Thus we can observe that where there is wrong-doing in a relationship, our first effort is
to achieve authenticity in responding and relating to that violation of personal rights.
When that person responds to our needs, then change has occurred and justice is
accomplished. Or, if they cannot change, but are willing to acknowledge and validate
our need, then we have an opportunity to experience gratitude. It is only when there is
neither justice nor gratitude, that we use forgiveness as a substitute for the felt impulse
towards revenge. (For more on this, see my book, Fortresses to Build and To
Destroy, the Chapter on Anger and Revenge.)
In addition, there is an important saying for you to memorize: it is Minimize the
Damage. That means that you will use the least amount of energy on the unhealthy
behavior of others. You do have to attend to it. Often you will use the Therapeutic You
Message, an Assertive Message, or another response using Cost-Benefit Techniques.
After using the least response possible, then make another response to whatever is
good, right and true in the present situation and conversation. If you do this long
enough, over enough time, your partner will become more truthful and wholesome in
his/her conversations with you.
One last note. About bonding. Human beings bond to one another because they are
made for bonding and attachment. Married people stay bonded to each other unless
they make two mistakes. First, they hurt each other. Second, they forget to be 'present'
with one another. If these things happen, then the bonding disintegrates. However, if
they stop hurting each other and begin to be present with one another, and if
confidently they just relax and let things be, then the bonding will reoccur. So all you
have to think about is stopping the abuse and stopping the lack of 'presentness' in the
relationship. If you cannot succeed, then the relationship is over. If you can succeed,
then you both will have used your power very well, and you might want to take a
second look at the relationship possibilities.
I hope this is useful to you, and helps relieve your very understandable and significant
emotional pain.
most and least power in the relationship. That is, which one has the most leverage in
making things happen. In a healthy relationship, of course, there is a balance of power.
In fact, in a highly vital, creative relationship, then the use of power by one person
empowers the other and vice versa. Thus the use of energy and power revitalizes both
people at the same time. But with less healthy people there is a formula about power
and need. If one person has a need, and the other one can fill that need, then the first
person has need, and the second person has power. So, for instance, if you need a job,
and I have a job that needs to be filled, then you have the need, and I have the power.
Unless of course, there are 100 jobs available to you, and only 2 or 3 people available
for me. In that case, then you would have the power, and I would have the need.
Sometimes in therapy, it is good to help the couple equalize the power. For instance, if
the wife has been very codependent, a good caretaker, a constant supervisor, and the
major complainer in the therapy, and the man has become more and more withdrawn,
isolated and irresponsible, then it is necessary for the therapist to try and increase his
power in the relationship. This can be done by increasing his responsibility for the
action and the outcome of the problem-solving. The therapist will give him tasks that
force him to take action, give opinions, and set standards. The therapist will even go so
far as to tell him that it will be his fault if the solution fails. The primary benefit is that
he is empowered. A secondary benefit might be that the complaining spouse might
actually feel mercy towards him, and feel guilty about his taking all the blame for the
problem at hand. In such a case, the complaining spouse may become supportive
towards him instead of blaming him. Such therapeutic methodology was championed
by a therapist named Jay Haley, who developed Strategic Therapy and Paradoxical
Intent Therapy.
Sometimes well-meaning helpers do this without understanding what they are doing. If
the husband is the complaining spouse, who uses his power badly for control and
manipulation, the his spouse might have become more and more powerdown in the
relationship. How can she increase your power in the relationship in the hope of
possible healing? She might do that by assuming more responsibility, not less, and by
taking charge of more of the interactions between them.
In summary, it is important to assess who has the most power in the relationship, and
who has the most need. Since power equals energy, we can then examine whether the
power and energy is being used well. Is it building the relationship? Is it giving vitality
to other people? Or is the use of power tending to sap energy out of people and
relationships?
There is another way to look at the same idea. The one who is most able to get tired of
the whole thing and walk away from the marriage is generally the one who has the
most power in the situation. The one who is begging for another chance is the one who
has the most need.
Thus it becomes our goal to learn how to use our power and energy better.
M. Scott Peck, who wrote The Road Less Traveled, described love (paraphrased by
me) as follows: to love is to use your energy in the best interest of another person. This
means that you must learn how to set a limit on another person's controlling and
manipulative behavior. After all, from a spiritual perspective, it is not good for another
person to be unable to be loving towards others.
To this end, we all must learn to use our power to say "No" and to set limits. In addition,
it is best to practice setting limits and boundaries with others, even if you plan to leave
the relationship, partly because you need to learn the skill. You need to increase
healthy assertive power. Because if you don't, then later you will have the same
problem all over again with family, children and other relationships.
Also, if you do this for another person, even if you end up ending the relationship, you
will have helped that person learn how to relate better to other people. Back to Jay
Haley's tactics: you must face the reality that you often have not confronted and set
limits on the aggression of other, and take responsibility for your dependency on them
to 'do the right thing.'
When a person is verbally aggressive towards you, then use this communication tactic:
look away. Disengage. Get up and leave the room. You can talk to him about it at a
later time, if you think he will listen to an explanation. But if you develop this skill well
enough, eventually his brain will begin to modify itself. (This would be predicted by
Classical Conditioning). We don't only learn by reason or reward. We also learn by
repetition and by consequence. We can teach ourself to become conditioned to new
responses to old problems.
Eventually, you will also be able to use the Therapeutic You Message for dealing with
aggressive verbal behavior. This involves skill and uses energy in the best interest of the
other person while protecting yourself.
Naturally you feel angry when another person invades your space, and verbally belittles
you (See The Carter Matrix of Emotions). Who wouldn't?
So let's talk about anger. There are three responses to stress: fight, run, and cope. These
actions correspond to three God-given emotions: anger, fear and sadness (grief). I say
they are God-given because they are genetic in nature. There are physiological
correlates to these emotions that provide effectiveness at fight, escape or grief. When
someone invades our 'space.' we feel angry. There is a place in the brain that tells us
automatically if we can fight and win. If we cannot win, then our brain tells us that the
threat is real; we should be afraid and we should run. But if our brain tells us that our
space is threatened, and we have the power to fight and win, then our body is flooded
with the signs and symptoms of anger. The very fact that you feel angry is evidence
that your very capable brain knows that you can win 'this round.' My effort is to help
you learn the skills to fight the battles in a healthy way, so that you can build your own
health, while also improving his understanding of his fellow human beings. Remember
anger is God-given, and is there for a reason. So use your power well for growth,
learning and mutual enrichment.
The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is often described as indifference.
The Bible states that "perfect love casts out fear." In other words, the opposite of love is
fear, not hate. Sometimes hate is a clear indication that love is still present, but that
there are serious boundary issues that need to be soved. That is, hate says: "Get away
from me," whereas assertive love might say, "We are going to solve this problem of
boundary violation."
In other words, hate is just an exaggeration of the function of biological anger. When
we get hate under control, and return to more useful forms of anger, including
strategies for action, then we can begin to protect our space from aggressive or invasive
people.
Space is not just physical territory that we draw lines around. It is our values, our
dreams, our talents, our personal rights, our beliefs, our hopes, our needs for friendship
and a social life. All of these things can be violated during childhood, marriage, or in
the workplace. Thus all of them deserve a 'fight' response, that is real assertiveness in
protecting those rights.
So keep your anger. Turn that anger into slow, sustained action in protecting your
space, establishing limits and boundaries, and in expressing your thoughts and feelings
about domination and control. See story below.
On the other hand, if your husband has no tolerance for your learning to stand up for
yourself, then you will know, your brain will tell you, to be afraid, and to leave just as
fast and effectively as you can.
How do we know if a relationship is worth saving? When another person accepts our
right to set limits and to protect our boundaries, then we can acknowledge that he/she
has more ability to learn than you previously perceived, considered or believed. This is
one place where forgiveness is appropriate. If people change in response to us, then the
relationship is authentic, because we are both responding and changing in response to
one another. The happy response to this is gratitude, not forgiveness. When
authenticity is present, then so also is justice, for both people are getting needs met.
Thus we can observe that where there is wrong-doing in a relationship, our first effort is
to achieve authenticity in responding and relating to that violation of personal rights.
When that person responds to our needs, then change has occurred and justice is
accomplished. Or, if they cannot change, but are willing to acknowledge and validate
our need, then we have an opportunity to experience gratitude. It is only when there is
neither justice nor gratitude, that we use forgiveness as a substitute for the felt impulse
towards revenge. (For more on this, see my book, Fortresses to Build and To
Destroy, the Chapter on Anger and Revenge.)
In addition, there is an important saying for you to memorize: it is Minimize the
Damage. That means that you will use the least amount of energy on the unhealthy
behavior of others. You do have to attend to it. Often you will use the Therapeutic You
Message, an Assertive Message, or another response using Cost-Benefit Techniques.
After using the least response possible, then make another response to whatever is
good, right and true in the present situation and conversation. If you do this long
enough, over enough time, your partner will become more truthful and wholesome in
his/her conversations with you.
One last note. About bonding. Human beings bond to one another because they are
made for bonding and attachment. Married people stay bonded to each other unless
they make two mistakes. First, they hurt each other. Second, they forget to be 'present'
with one another. If these things happen, then the bonding disintegrates. However, if
they stop hurting each other and begin to be present with one another, and if
confidently they just relax and let things be, then the bonding will reoccur. So all you
have to think about is stopping the abuse and stopping the lack of 'presentness' in the
relationship. If you cannot succeed, then the relationship is over. If you can succeed,
then you both will have used your power very well, and you might want to take a
second look at the relationship possibilities.
I hope this is useful to you, and helps relieve your very understandable and significant
emotional pain.
- © Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW