The People Who Resent Your Weight Loss
The times I have lost weight in the past have taught me to dread having to cope with the
reactions of others to my good fortune. All people who have lost weight have experienced
unexpected spitefulness or outright rejection from others. It is so painful that I could say that
therapy is needed not so much before or during weight loss as after weight loss. After all, the fat
person truly believes that people will be satisfied with her only if she can be slim like everyone
else. Never mind that nobody is this world pleases everyone around them. The fat person really
believes that their fat makes them unlovable, and that losing weight will bring approval and love.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Weight loss brings a nightmare of wondering who is
going to be discomforted by your weight loss. It could be said that being fat is not nearly as
painful as is learning that some people will dislike you, and even strive to harm you, just
because you have lost weight. Should we be afraid of everyone? Or should we develop
knowledge of the specific types of people to fear? And once we know who they are, how can we
minister effectively to them?
Type I: Attachment to Notions of Social Hierarchy
This person, like many in our society, sees all people as part of a hierarchy of importance. They
would point to the animal world, with its pecking order, ensuring the survival of the fittest. To this
person it does not matter that Jesus Christ expressly instructed his disciples to abandon this
type of thinking. He criticized them sharply when they compared themselves to one another, and
vied for positions of importance. This person knows exactly where on the social hierarchy he
belongs. And he also knows where the fat person belongs. On the bottom! No matter how
intelligent, talented or useful a fat person is, they are deserving of deprivation and the lowest
status to this type of person. If this type person is highly developed, he may be kind and helpful
to a fat person, as any good person would be towards his inferiors.
But to this person, your weight loss is a dirty trick. It is like having been in a room with a one-way
mirror. The fat person could see others in their most relaxed moments, much as a slave
observed her master during the intimacies of private life. But others couldn't see the reality of the
fat person or his true worth.
So this person is terribly surprised. He may feel a form of embarrassment that he cannot
understand or describe to himself. But one thing is sure; he or she will be furious if a fat
person's weight loss changes the hierarchy of the group. Most vulnerable, of course, are those
close to the bottom, who now fall even lower on the social ladder than they were before. But
vindictiveness can be expected from those at the top if their own natural talents at leadership do
not equal this new "slim" contender.
My experience is that is is almost impossible to guess, while you are fat, who liked you because
they felt superior to you. They felt safe with you because they believed you would not judge them,
or even resist them. They also attached you to themselves as if you were their minion, their
supporter and follower, their reliable sidekick. They felt that they could "be themselves" with you,
and they therefore revealed thoughts and habits to you that they would not have shared with
others. They believed that your inferiority forced you to need them. Maybe they even felt entitled to
dominate you. When you analyze the relationship after becoming slim, you may be able to
remember many ways that they kept you "down" in the presence of others, while confiding with
you privately their innermost thoughts, feelings and fears. Many of these things are absolutely
typical of true friendships. That is why a fat person cannot tell. Even the tendency to be held
down publicly is seen by the fat person as justified because of their weight. Unfortunately for this
type of person, the inferiority was never really true. Maybe you actually understood them and liked
them very much. But that does not change how they feel when the hierarchy changes.
Recently I lost a friend of 25 years. I could have told her that had I been slim I would have been
prettier, smarter and more popular than she. But I liked her for her personality and wit. I did not
want to lose her as a friend. But when discomfort turns to spite, then it is best to walk away from
that relationship. The spite proves that love was not real. It was an ego trip for the one who is
thought she was superior, and she is now uncomfortable with the new social realities.
Type II: The Dependent Person
This person really depended upon you. Now that you look better and are able to associate with
many people, she believes that you will abandon her. She has the same poor self-image as the
fat person does. It was a comfort to be around another person who also had reason to feel bad
about themselves. You can bend over backwards to keep in contact with this person, to try and
prevent or counteract her feelings of abandonment. But this person's low self-esteem will cause
him/her to drift away from you, all the while blaming you for being the "snobbish" one. If this
happens despite your efforts to maintain the friendship, then you have to let them go. They are
too proud to continue the relationship now because they would have to admit their feelings of
dependency and inferiority. Their pain whenever you are around makes the relationship
unacceptable to them. Love them and let they go with God's blessing. God will eventually lead
them to a helper that can help them resolve work on their dependency needs.
Type III: The Kind Person Who Wants Gratitude
This person was kind to you. Perhaps he was a service person. He did exactly what he was
expected to do in view of his job responsibilities. But fat people are hard to be around. They are
hard to look at or talk with. Some people find them repulsive. Others know that it is hard to see
the tragedy of their lives without feeling bad. So the effort to act normal uses more energy than
they would expend with other customers. In a sense, you owe this person something, because
he went the extra mile in his mind and heart in order to provide good service.
Now you have lost weight. Like most people who have lost weight, you are "full of yourself". All of
a sudden he perceives you as thinking too well of yourself, forgetting that "you owe him."
Suddenly the quality of the service drops. It is as if he is saying, "Just because you're slim
doesn't mean you get extra attention." So the kindness is reduced, and so is the service.
There is no way to know ahead of time which friends or acquaintances think that you owe them
something. It is a shock and a disappointment each time it happens. Maybe time will heal this
relationship. Perhaps special attention to their kindnesses to you would help. Be
compassionate and understanding about how hard it has been for other people to cope with
your fat and disability. For sure, be careful about acting too happy around this person until he is
sure that he is appropriately appreciated.
If fair service really does decrease, you will have to find someone else to help you. But maybe he
will like you again later if you give it time.
Type IV: The Envious
This person is envious. You were already a good person. You already were useful and
intelligent. You already had respect, even admiration from friends and aquaintainces. You
already were happy. You had a nice home, and a good job. It would normally be unbearable to
the habitually envious person to see a person so successful. But this person's envy is eased
and counteracted by your fat. Being free of envy is a joy to her or him. This person is enjoying a
relationship uncontaminated by envy because of your perceived inferiority. Your fat makes your
accomplishments tolerable to her, and prevents a wounded ego from arising against you.
She can even believe that you envy her, simply because she is not fat. She convinces herself
that you look up to her, even if there is no justification. I believe that many fat people have
experienced domination by envious people in their early lives. So they grow up afraid of envious
people. They know that such people have been effective in causing unexpected and
unpredictable damage to their progress. Worse yet, fat people have learned to associate envy,
mischief, disapproval and rejection with potential blockage to successful work or school
achievement. They have learned to fear envious people like the plague.
Now, all of a sudden, you are slim. "You have it all." Your perceived weakness is gone, and with
it goes her illusion that you envied her for her lack of fatness. She resents your equality. The only
hope for her now is to find new faults in you to stem the tide of mounting feelings of envy and
resentment. Now your body cannot be the object of ridicule. It will be your personality, your
motives, your work, and your life style. There will be blows to your reputation.
Fat people are not accustomed to these kinds of attacks. Their fat enabled them to "throw the
dog a bone" to envious people, so that while the envious chew on a false target, the fat person is
free to pursue their genuine interests. Now the bone is gone. The important stuff is laid bare to
the envious person.
Know that their resentment of you was always there, buried under their condescending belief that
you were their inferior because you were fat. This person is dangerous. He/she will try to
damage you and your life in some way. Build a support system, and, if at all possible, try to avoid
working in close contact with this person. The envious are destructive. But trust God. He knows
their hearts.
Type V: The Need to be Center of Attention
This person really needs to be the center of attention. Maybe they will still be the center of things
after you lose weight. But even the most plain woman or man receives a lot of attention
immediately after a large weight loss. This result is temporary, as people will get used to you,
and attention will again be redistributed fairly among members of the group.
But immature people can't give up their fair share of attention for even one day without writhing in
discomfort. They will take action to restore balance, including a variety of ways of putting you
down, spreading resentment about you or otherwise frustrating your work efforts. This problem,
of course, is made much worse if you have qualities that will permanently attract attention to
yourself, such as leadership ability, kindness towards others, intelligence, a congenial
personality, or effectiveness in action.
Actually you knew this person had this kind of personality before you lost weight. You can predict
ahead of time that this type will have trouble with the attention you will receive because of weight
loss. You can try really hard throughout and after your weight loss to throw positive attention their
way. You can work to help them maintain their position in whatever group you are in by being
careful not to threaten the group time and attention that is normally given to them. But this type of
person is also tiresome to be around, and their attention-getting probably always did distract
from your work efforts.
If you handle your weight loss by becoming more humble and helpful to others, maybe in the
long run this person will draw inspiration from you. They need to learn that attention does not
really solve their lack of self-esteem. Beyond that, I don't know yet of any way to solve this
problem. Try to restore balance for them as quickly as possible.
You probably will have to accept that you can't work with such people. Their wish for attention
disrupts every good effort towards group success. You may choose to stay out of groups
dominated by them, wish them well and ask God to bless them.
Type VI: The Inability to Pursue Personal Goals
Now that you have lost weight, there are personal goals that you can pursue and achieve. They
might include educational goals, work achievements, social relationships, or cultural and
religious activities that bring personal fulfillment. They are part of the blessings God will bring to
you when you stop using food to help you withdraw from life.
Sometimes there are people in your life who resent your ability and willingness to pursue new
avenues of satisfaction and success. Maybe they resent your chances because they would not
be able to do these things themselves, either because of lack of talent, opportunity or
perseverance. Maybe they can't endure the pain that comes with any effort to improve oneself.
Or perhaps they fear that your new achievements will detract from your ability to concentrate on
meeting their unhealthy needs.
These people will do destructive things. They will complain that you think too well of yourself, that
now you are selfish, that now you don't care about anyone except yourself. Who is the selfish
one in this situation? If I have an opportunity, and you take it away from me just because you
want all my time for yourself, then which one of us is selfish?
These people, oddly enough, can be helped by assertive action and careful limit-setting. Given
time they may adjust to your newfound opportunities. They may eventually become proud of your
character and accomplishments. They will regain their confidence that you will continue to love
them. They have the same choice as the rest of us
to face God and deal with their own unhealthy needs. Some of these relationships will make it.
You don't have to leave them, but on the other hand, don't be surprised if, despite your efforts,
some of these people walk away from you.
VII: The Spiritually Needy
This person really liked you. They were used to you. You were an inspiration to them because
you had a problem but you did not let it defeat you. You were still able to be happy and loving
towards others. You still had a good life. They needed the encouragement you provided. Now
that is gone. Now you are just like everyone else. They are losing an example that they thought
they needed.
This relationship is worth saving. They need to understand how much they have encouraged
you, how much their friendship meant to you, and how your life is better because they are in it.
They have projected their own goodness onto you. Now it is time to claim their own strengths
and become aware of the fine contributions that they make to others. If you continue to lead a
life that includes love and service to others, they will like you again someday.
Type VIII: The Worried
This person is genuinely worried about you. They have seen people lose weight and become
self-centered, careless and even immoral. They understand that the newly slim person is trying
to have new experiences that they couldn't have before, but many of those experiences are not
worth having.
They need to see you continue your life as before. Continue to show strength of character
through the way you spend your time and the attention you give to others.
My work as a therapist has helped me invaluably with this problem. Some clients have seen the
changes in my body from the very fat and disabled to near normalcy. But my behavior is exactly
the same when I am with them. They don't notice the physical changes. They relate to me as
they always did. Therefore they have helped me to stabilize myself during a time of serious
physical and emotional change. My sense of who I am, and who I want to be, has remained the
same, because these relationships have given me opportunity to work and live from the most
solid parts of myself. I owe them a lot, and will be thankful for them forever.
Type IX: The Unforgiving
This person will not adjust to your changes. To him/her you were a fat person and you always
will be. You were inadequate, and you still are. These are the people who never forget another
person's wrong-doing, no matter how much repentance has occurred. They tend to be
judgemental and possibly even somewhat elitist. If you alter the fatness that made you an
inferior in their eyes, they will find some other way to insist that you maintain an inferior status in
the group.
They need you to go about your life without them, just as they need to go their own way without
you. If you need opportunity, love or friends, they will not help you. Pray for them and trust God for
what you need.
Type X: The Difficulty Dealing with Change
This person really does not like any kind of change. That is all there is to it. They are afraid that
they will not know how to act, or what will be expected of them, or that they will not be acceptable
in the changed situation. Remember that they are being forced by your new body image to
change their perceptions of you, and many people are threatened when their own perceptions,
assumptions and judgements are threatened by a new set of facts, by a new reality. When you
are with them, talk about the things you always talked about before, especially their lives and
activities. Let them forget about your weight loss as soon as possible, so they can enjoy being
with you again.
Type XI: The Problem of Their Own Weight
This person has a problem with weight. Just as I got used to my weight when there was nothing
I could do about it, they have also adjusted to their life's problem. They are good people, doing
good things. They have friends and family; they have worthwhile jobs and activities. They love
and are loved. But they have become appropriately resigned to their problem. When there is
nothing you can do to change things, then the best thing to do is learn to cope with it, and let God
help you rise above your problem and build a good life. The same can be said for people with
serious disease, such as arthritis or fibromyalgia. Such people have a good testimony about
facing the struggles of life with God's help. They accomplish a lot with their lives and thus serve
as models for the rest of us who also face challenges. But your weight loss can open old
wounds. It's not that they are not happy for you. They just don't want more pressure from the
people in their lives to attempt weight loss one more time. They don't want those same feelings
of unacceptability to arise again.
My first instinct is to leave them alone until they can see me without thinking about the weight
loss. While they are in pain, they will not see me as a real person. They need time. So I
probably need to stay out of groups that belong to them until they feel better about me.
My second instinct is to help. For this reason I will be starting a support group for people who
need to stop dieting and start living, called Happiness Now. If I made progress with God's help,
then it is time to reach back and help someone else who might want to make the same changes.
Research will ultimately show that some people are fat for reasons other than overeating, and
that it is inordinately difficult for these people to lose weight. The gastric bypass surgery allow
me to help others by providing humble acknowledgement of this reality. Someday there will be
better interventions than surgical ones for weight loss, but for now it is the best thing going. That
is because it artificially controls the intake of food, while simultaneously producing an inability to
consume really bad foods, such as sugar-laden carbohydrates and artery-clogging fats.
A third way I find myself helping others who are a mere 30 or 40 pounds overweight is to remind
them of how many times I have told myself that if I ever again am only 30 pounds overweight I will
never complain or criticize myself again. When you are thirty pounds overweight, you still have a
life. You look like yourself, you act like yourself, you can do most of the things you want to do, and
there are at least some people who think you are beautiful just as you are. For most people in
this situation, dieting is a no-no, as it will only cause an eating disorder and further weight gain.
The simple act of learning to go without sugar and white flour coupled with increased activity over
time will modestly reduce weight while maximally increasing health and self-esteem.
In addition, I remind my overweight friends that I still love my formerly fat self, for all that she was
and all that she did, and I can love any other fat person for the same reasons. I know for a fact
that God loves fat people, and so do I.
Type XII: The Willingness to Exploit
This person wants to take advantage of you. They can see that you are feeling very happy and full
of yourself. During this time period you are likely to put a "positive spin" on everything and
everybody. So you are easily deceived into believing that someone or something is better than it
is, more worthwhile than it is. They are going to use you for their own purposes, sometimes for
their own ego needs.
These people provide a potential road to happiness that is a real dead end. When you
experience your own downfall, they will say, "I knew she was too good to be true." They enjoyed
proving that you were no better than themselves. Satan loves this type of person. They are good
at what they do.
Sometimes people in the church will take this opportunity to get you entangled in responsibilities
you would not otherwise have accepted. Unresolved feelings of guilt and shame might help you
fall for it. Pride and faulty self-confidence, born not of experience, but only of weight loss, adds to
your susceptibility. Because I did not know to watch for it, I have already met this problem. I was
really fooled by offers to provide service, thinking they were indications of inclusion, when in fact
they were exploitative efforts to dump undesirable work on an unsuspecting victim. After you
catch on to their lack of sincerity, it is hard to break away from such entanglements. Having to
extricate yourself from unfortunate entanglements makes you feel bad about yourself, because
you are in fact reneging on an agreement.
You will take your licks for this mistake, both within yourself and in your personal relationships,
and it is best to face and deal with the appropriate guilt in order to learn and grow. If you learn
from your mistakes, you will do better next time.
This is one of the rejections that is hard to anticipate. It feels good to be chosen for inclusion,
responsibility and potential service. It is hard to see through another person's need to use your
time and energy without any regard for what is best for you.
These people use praise to build you up. A weakness in myself helps me fall for this. I will try to
learn to be more humble. Next time I will consult with God before I let anybody use up my time,
effort and good will.
I will also advise others who lose significant amounts of weight to maintain their newfound body
image for at least two years before taking on serious social commitments. Losing weight is a
rare form of grief, during which one must adjust to the loss of a life style that they were
accustomed to, and in fact, relied upon for peace of mind. The change needs to be complete
before embarking on any new ventures that add more change and adjustment than one is
already going through.
Type XIII: The Judgemental
The next person is the one who judges you harshly for any mistakes you make when you lose
weight. These people will believe that you are shallow and disloyal, and undeserving of patience
or understanding. They will believe that you never did have good character. You behaved well
because your fat kept you from behaving badly. Now you have shown your true colors.
They aren't afraid of losing you. You really did stray from the path. They don't want to know you
any more, and they won't care about you any more after that. Let them go quickly. Ask God to
help you repent of any foolishness that has come into your life, and then grow in compassion for
others who make mistakes.
You probably can predict which person in your life will behave this way, because they are
generally self-righteous and judgemental. If you have been fat very long, you probably did not
really trust this person anyway. If you were wise you were probably already avoiding close
contact with them whenever possible. You might have also been trying to please them,
something you will give up after you have lost weight and rebuilt your life. The best thing you can
do for them is model friendliness, warmth, compassion and humility. God is working in their
lives too. If you value your own character, avoid criticising them, or responding vengefully. That is
a pitfall after losing weight that you will not easily be forgiven for.
Type XIV: The Lovingly Cautious
This person is cautious. He wants to show happiness for your success. But he also knows that
weight loss tends to be regained. Then the fat person is more depressed than ever. This
person is also wise. He does not want to say anything bad about "the way you were" because
you may find yourself back there soon enough.
He wants to keep your friendship when you present-day happiness falls apart.
This person needs time. He needs to know that your changes are for real and are not soon
reversible. He and others like him deserve their chance to "wait and see." He needs to see that
you are going to use your new opportunities well. He also wants to avoid taking advantage of you
when you are newly recovered from disability.
Our feelings of exuberance during weight loss may help us misinterpret this person's lack of
response. Instead of giving into self-centered impatience, treasure this person. They are rare
and frankly made of better stuff than most of us.
If you have good character before your weight loss, you can predict in advance the people who
will need time and reassurance during and after your weight loss. Give them whatever they
need. Focus on God, on them, and quit thinking about yourself all the time.
Type XV: The Dislike was Really Personal
This person didn't like you before, and they don't like you now. It's just more obvious after you
lose weight. Their disdain stands out more vividly than before. I have often said that we are
more defined by our true enemies than by our friends. We attract enemies to ourselves because
we stand for something. Our enemies know what we stand for, and they try their very best to
defeat us. Jesus taught us that we should be proud of opposition that comes because we serve
God. He says that we are blessed if we refuse to be ashamed of Him and the life we have with
Him. We can bless those who try to defeat us in our quest to be a true follower of Jesus Christ.
We can even feel honored that their dislike of us is testimony that we are noticeably effective in
our work in the Kingdom of God. The question might be, did they know your testimony about your
life with God? Or did they just believe that you are conceited?
Some of this opposition is sad. If I feel joyous to think that God has attended to me, if I love the
work that I do for Him, if I am filled will confidence that He is in charge of my life, if I give love and
joy to everyone I see, if I am filled with energy and a sense of direction from the Holy Spirit, then
some people who do not understand the effects of a true connection with God will view me as
being unusually conceited. I might explain to them that my confidence comes from God, as Paul
did when he said, "For to me, to live is Christ". But then this person will believe it is the worst
kind of conceit to believe that one has a special relationship with God.
They don't understand that they could have the same blessings for themselves. I have served
them well by being an example of something they want but don't yet understand. In this case, the
remedy is to let them go their own way, but to pray for them constantly. These people really know
that something is wrong with their own life, or missing from their happiness; the way I live my life
stirs up this knowledge in their hearts and minds. God will meet with them someday. When that
happens, it will have be an honor to have been a testimony to them. Therefore, I can believe that
their dislike of me shows that God is working in their life, calling them to something better than
what they now endure. I am showing them a portion of what they want for themselves, in
accordance to God's will. The remedy for me is to be humble and know that I am only a small
part of this person's redemption. God is the important part of this story, not me.
Type XVI: The Angry Person Who Needs a Scapegoat
This person has a lot of "hidden anger". They might be genuinely passive-aggressive, thus
constantly looking for a vulnerable target for their pent-up hostility. Or they might be
"codependent", living their lives wishing for appreciation that never comes. They might be
narcissistic individuals who feel entitled to more in life than a normal adult life can ever provide.
They might be people of limited conscience, whose inablity to see the difference between right
and wrong fills their life with the consequences of their own poor judgement.
Fat people know all about these people. They have experienced a lifetime of being the symbolic
"padded punching bag" of angry people. Their fatness makes them know quickly who among
their acquaintances are both mean and dishonest. If they have any faith-induced shrewdness,
they have learned to avoid these people whenever possible.
But weight loss removes this important litmus test for meanness in others. They know nothing
of how mean people capture non-obese quarry for abuse. These angry people use praise and
other forms of seduction to attract the average victim. But the newly slim person has no
experience with this type of seduction. To her, praise indicates the promise of inclusion, so often
denied to the fat person. So now the formerly fat person, attempting to cope with a new body
image, is living with ignorance, inexperience and denial. She can believe that no one will be
mean to her again because she is no longer fat, because she always believed that her fat was
the cause of the abuse by mean people. What she does not know is that the same vulnerability
to abuse is still present, because she has not yet recovered from a lifetime of grief caused by
meanness from others.
More to the point, the formerly fat person will have to learn that there is as much or more
meanness in this world once the weight has been lost. This person will have to learn new
"tests" of a person's "meanness quotient."
There is no test better in the real world than a person's use of "teasing." To the sophisticated
person, constructive teasing may in fact lead to both inclusion and success at fulfilling one's
responsibilities. This type of teasing is a kind of bantering that is noticeably lacking in reality.
That is, it does not refer to actual strengths and weaknesses of the person being teased. It more
likely refers to real or imagined incidents that stimulate affectionate amusement.
But there is nasty teasing. You can tell by the fact that the victim feels somehow "put down." The
teasing of angry people usually refers to personality or physical characteristics of the victim. The
most deadly teasing is directed at a person's strengths, thereby disarming and disabling him
from success in a particular group setting. I have been teased in my life for being intelligent,
educated, hard-working, moral, kind, self-directed, effective at teaching, well-organized, friendly
and enthusiastic. When I am fat, I do not experience teasing over these characteristics, only
belittlement caused by the fatness.
But when I am slim, the same people who would belittle me for my appearance, will now belittle
my best strengths, thereby obstructing effective action in that particular work situation. The
formerly fat person has no tools for dealing with this aggressive and hostile teasing, and until
some are acquired, avoidance of these people is necessary.
In sum, aggressive people will tease their victims either for obvious weaknesses or for obvious
strengths. The variations of assaultive teasing is incredibly rich and duplicitous, and will remain
the number one villain in a formerly fat person's life. Methods of coping with these people would
require a whole book. For now, remember the maxim: fat or slim, avoid angry people.
Type XVII: Prejudice and Spite
This person was really guilty of mistreating you. They teased or criticised you unmercifully. They
talked about you behind your back. They blocked any opportunity you might have had in whatever
group you shared membership in. They might have even lied, mischaracterized your personality
to others and "poisoned the waters" in every way imaginable. Naturally, they will not like seeing
your beauty increase and your popularity grow. They are true enemies. After you lose weight,
they have options. A few might actually learn something, such as the people illustrated in the
movie, "Shallow Hal".
But many people do not handle guilt well. Research shows that most people who witness or
contribute to the victimization of another person tell themselves that the victim deserved such
bullying. Research also shows that, while victims usually recover over time, perhaps even
becoming more compassionate towards others, that bullies not only do not learn and grow, they
also experience less success and happiness over time.
This problem is the nature of prejudice. Prejudice is worse than the simple ordering of
community into a social hierarchy. It is the belief that persons with certain characteristics are
less than fully human, and therefore deserve to be mistreated. There is research that indicates
that people can be taught to choose certain traits in others that will trigger prejudice and
subsequent maltreatment. The prejudice provides a sense of "entitlement" to misuse,
mischaracterize, exploit and abuse the person who is somehow not deserving of the same
advantages as everyone else. Much of this book has addressed issues of sexuality as a cause
for prejudice. But fat people know that many people have a profound, thorough,
all-encompassing and definite prejudice against fat people. There is probably no prejudice
greater in our society, even including race, than the presence of fat on one's body. To the
prejudiced, this person is undeserving of success or even compassionate treatment. There is
no area of society where this prejudice is not experienced, including the medical profession. To
the prejudiced, this person deserves to be punished, excluded, shamed, teased, belittled and
simultaneously exploited. This person must maintain a "servant" role in any family or community
group that is biased against fat people, even while they are "scapegoated" for every problem held
by the group or the individuals within that group.
It is sad to say, but most people who reach age 35 without recovering from a tendency to be
prejudiced will probably not ever change. For them personal growth would mean a huge change
in how they view themselves and others in the social and spiritual universe; it would mean
exposing themselves to feelings of guilt, and to the fear that they somehow are deserving of the
same mistreatment that they have extended to others.
Most people who are fat, handicapped or otherwise "different" from others learn eventually to feel
pity for those who are prejudiced. Even fat people can see that prejudiced people lose
happiness in the long run. Fat people learn how to become successful and happy and loving
despite prejudice, but the prejudiced never seem to recover from their own search for inferiority in
others. Jesus talked to his disciples about the importance of giving up both the need for social
hierarchy and prejudice. And he gave the victims of prejudice strategies for coping with the
bullies in their life.
It is really best to use Jesus prescription to say to God, "Forgive them for they don't understand
either themselves or the consequences of their actions." Then walk away and stay away. As for
those who show some sorrow through improved treatment of you, it is really not hard to forgive
them. Our forgiveness is based on the reality that we all do ignorent, stupid or careless things in
our lives. The formerly fat person stays aware of their own inadequacies because of their
inability to solve their fatness problem. So forgiveness comes more easily than their guilty
friends might realize.
As for the guilty friend, my advice is this: say nothing, but change your actions towards this
person, and treat them as well as you treat the most successful people in your life. As the Bible
says, "Do not be respecters of people", meaning don't treat one person as more or less
important than another. We are all loved by God.
Nevertheless, avoid close contact with them whenever possible, unless you see convincing
evidence that they have repented and recovered from their prejudiced attitudes and choices. You
cannot solve their problem for them; nor can you force them to adopt an equalitarian attitude
towards you. You cannot ever obtain from them the same "rights" as they would extend to
themselves and others. Therefore the problem of maltreatment remains an unsolvable dilemma
over which you have no control.
Prejudiced people need a "paradigm change", a mental and emotional "sea change", that
enables them to grow and heal from their beliefs that they are entitled to express
mean-spiritedness towards people whom they perceive as being somehow different from
themselves. Their failure to grow produces a bad "karma" in their own lives, in the sense that
Jesus described: our own actions and thoughts bring results, not in the next life, but in this one.
And no matter how much pity we might feel for the prejudiced, we have no way to help them
beyond hope and prayers.
When we overcome our own compliance with prejudiced attitudes, when we develop good lives
for ourselves despite whatever obstacles we encounter, when we realized that we are happy,
loved and even useful to others, then we will continue to have odd experiences in which others
seem to be operating in some kind of parallel universe, a universe that is visible, but not
connected to the one we occupy. They cannot get out of their own magical thinking long enough
to join us in our own more productive and happy world. And they really can't hurt us any more.
XVIII
The most deadly enemy of slimness is ourselves. There are lots of reasons for us to dislike our
own weight loss. First, we are beset with problems that we never knew existed before and have
no readily available skills for developing solutions. Second, we are dreadfully disappointed that
weight loss actually solves very few of our problems. So now we can't blame life's pain on our
weight any more; we have to face life's difficulties just like everyone else. Third, we are still not
as beautiful, smart, personable, popular or effective as we wanted to be. Fourth, we don't have
any more friends than we had before. Fifth, we no longer have the comfort zone that being fat
provided; we feel like a pheasant right out in the open for every dog and hunter to see. Sixth, we
can't stay calm enough to be so "good" towards others as we were in the past. Assertiveness
may be more healthy and useful, but it does not lead to the delusion that we are more kind and
good than anyone else. Seventh, change is hard. Eighth, we encounter weaknesses in
ourselves that we did not know were there. Ninth, we still are not having enough fun. Tenth, we
become temporarily self-centered and talk too much, which potentially damages our best
relationships.
If we want others to adjust to our weight loss, the place to start is with ourselves!
The times I have lost weight in the past have taught me to dread having to cope with the
reactions of others to my good fortune. All people who have lost weight have experienced
unexpected spitefulness or outright rejection from others. It is so painful that I could say that
therapy is needed not so much before or during weight loss as after weight loss. After all, the fat
person truly believes that people will be satisfied with her only if she can be slim like everyone
else. Never mind that nobody is this world pleases everyone around them. The fat person really
believes that their fat makes them unlovable, and that losing weight will bring approval and love.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Weight loss brings a nightmare of wondering who is
going to be discomforted by your weight loss. It could be said that being fat is not nearly as
painful as is learning that some people will dislike you, and even strive to harm you, just
because you have lost weight. Should we be afraid of everyone? Or should we develop
knowledge of the specific types of people to fear? And once we know who they are, how can we
minister effectively to them?
Type I: Attachment to Notions of Social Hierarchy
This person, like many in our society, sees all people as part of a hierarchy of importance. They
would point to the animal world, with its pecking order, ensuring the survival of the fittest. To this
person it does not matter that Jesus Christ expressly instructed his disciples to abandon this
type of thinking. He criticized them sharply when they compared themselves to one another, and
vied for positions of importance. This person knows exactly where on the social hierarchy he
belongs. And he also knows where the fat person belongs. On the bottom! No matter how
intelligent, talented or useful a fat person is, they are deserving of deprivation and the lowest
status to this type of person. If this type person is highly developed, he may be kind and helpful
to a fat person, as any good person would be towards his inferiors.
But to this person, your weight loss is a dirty trick. It is like having been in a room with a one-way
mirror. The fat person could see others in their most relaxed moments, much as a slave
observed her master during the intimacies of private life. But others couldn't see the reality of the
fat person or his true worth.
So this person is terribly surprised. He may feel a form of embarrassment that he cannot
understand or describe to himself. But one thing is sure; he or she will be furious if a fat
person's weight loss changes the hierarchy of the group. Most vulnerable, of course, are those
close to the bottom, who now fall even lower on the social ladder than they were before. But
vindictiveness can be expected from those at the top if their own natural talents at leadership do
not equal this new "slim" contender.
My experience is that is is almost impossible to guess, while you are fat, who liked you because
they felt superior to you. They felt safe with you because they believed you would not judge them,
or even resist them. They also attached you to themselves as if you were their minion, their
supporter and follower, their reliable sidekick. They felt that they could "be themselves" with you,
and they therefore revealed thoughts and habits to you that they would not have shared with
others. They believed that your inferiority forced you to need them. Maybe they even felt entitled to
dominate you. When you analyze the relationship after becoming slim, you may be able to
remember many ways that they kept you "down" in the presence of others, while confiding with
you privately their innermost thoughts, feelings and fears. Many of these things are absolutely
typical of true friendships. That is why a fat person cannot tell. Even the tendency to be held
down publicly is seen by the fat person as justified because of their weight. Unfortunately for this
type of person, the inferiority was never really true. Maybe you actually understood them and liked
them very much. But that does not change how they feel when the hierarchy changes.
Recently I lost a friend of 25 years. I could have told her that had I been slim I would have been
prettier, smarter and more popular than she. But I liked her for her personality and wit. I did not
want to lose her as a friend. But when discomfort turns to spite, then it is best to walk away from
that relationship. The spite proves that love was not real. It was an ego trip for the one who is
thought she was superior, and she is now uncomfortable with the new social realities.
Type II: The Dependent Person
This person really depended upon you. Now that you look better and are able to associate with
many people, she believes that you will abandon her. She has the same poor self-image as the
fat person does. It was a comfort to be around another person who also had reason to feel bad
about themselves. You can bend over backwards to keep in contact with this person, to try and
prevent or counteract her feelings of abandonment. But this person's low self-esteem will cause
him/her to drift away from you, all the while blaming you for being the "snobbish" one. If this
happens despite your efforts to maintain the friendship, then you have to let them go. They are
too proud to continue the relationship now because they would have to admit their feelings of
dependency and inferiority. Their pain whenever you are around makes the relationship
unacceptable to them. Love them and let they go with God's blessing. God will eventually lead
them to a helper that can help them resolve work on their dependency needs.
Type III: The Kind Person Who Wants Gratitude
This person was kind to you. Perhaps he was a service person. He did exactly what he was
expected to do in view of his job responsibilities. But fat people are hard to be around. They are
hard to look at or talk with. Some people find them repulsive. Others know that it is hard to see
the tragedy of their lives without feeling bad. So the effort to act normal uses more energy than
they would expend with other customers. In a sense, you owe this person something, because
he went the extra mile in his mind and heart in order to provide good service.
Now you have lost weight. Like most people who have lost weight, you are "full of yourself". All of
a sudden he perceives you as thinking too well of yourself, forgetting that "you owe him."
Suddenly the quality of the service drops. It is as if he is saying, "Just because you're slim
doesn't mean you get extra attention." So the kindness is reduced, and so is the service.
There is no way to know ahead of time which friends or acquaintances think that you owe them
something. It is a shock and a disappointment each time it happens. Maybe time will heal this
relationship. Perhaps special attention to their kindnesses to you would help. Be
compassionate and understanding about how hard it has been for other people to cope with
your fat and disability. For sure, be careful about acting too happy around this person until he is
sure that he is appropriately appreciated.
If fair service really does decrease, you will have to find someone else to help you. But maybe he
will like you again later if you give it time.
Type IV: The Envious
This person is envious. You were already a good person. You already were useful and
intelligent. You already had respect, even admiration from friends and aquaintainces. You
already were happy. You had a nice home, and a good job. It would normally be unbearable to
the habitually envious person to see a person so successful. But this person's envy is eased
and counteracted by your fat. Being free of envy is a joy to her or him. This person is enjoying a
relationship uncontaminated by envy because of your perceived inferiority. Your fat makes your
accomplishments tolerable to her, and prevents a wounded ego from arising against you.
She can even believe that you envy her, simply because she is not fat. She convinces herself
that you look up to her, even if there is no justification. I believe that many fat people have
experienced domination by envious people in their early lives. So they grow up afraid of envious
people. They know that such people have been effective in causing unexpected and
unpredictable damage to their progress. Worse yet, fat people have learned to associate envy,
mischief, disapproval and rejection with potential blockage to successful work or school
achievement. They have learned to fear envious people like the plague.
Now, all of a sudden, you are slim. "You have it all." Your perceived weakness is gone, and with
it goes her illusion that you envied her for her lack of fatness. She resents your equality. The only
hope for her now is to find new faults in you to stem the tide of mounting feelings of envy and
resentment. Now your body cannot be the object of ridicule. It will be your personality, your
motives, your work, and your life style. There will be blows to your reputation.
Fat people are not accustomed to these kinds of attacks. Their fat enabled them to "throw the
dog a bone" to envious people, so that while the envious chew on a false target, the fat person is
free to pursue their genuine interests. Now the bone is gone. The important stuff is laid bare to
the envious person.
Know that their resentment of you was always there, buried under their condescending belief that
you were their inferior because you were fat. This person is dangerous. He/she will try to
damage you and your life in some way. Build a support system, and, if at all possible, try to avoid
working in close contact with this person. The envious are destructive. But trust God. He knows
their hearts.
Type V: The Need to be Center of Attention
This person really needs to be the center of attention. Maybe they will still be the center of things
after you lose weight. But even the most plain woman or man receives a lot of attention
immediately after a large weight loss. This result is temporary, as people will get used to you,
and attention will again be redistributed fairly among members of the group.
But immature people can't give up their fair share of attention for even one day without writhing in
discomfort. They will take action to restore balance, including a variety of ways of putting you
down, spreading resentment about you or otherwise frustrating your work efforts. This problem,
of course, is made much worse if you have qualities that will permanently attract attention to
yourself, such as leadership ability, kindness towards others, intelligence, a congenial
personality, or effectiveness in action.
Actually you knew this person had this kind of personality before you lost weight. You can predict
ahead of time that this type will have trouble with the attention you will receive because of weight
loss. You can try really hard throughout and after your weight loss to throw positive attention their
way. You can work to help them maintain their position in whatever group you are in by being
careful not to threaten the group time and attention that is normally given to them. But this type of
person is also tiresome to be around, and their attention-getting probably always did distract
from your work efforts.
If you handle your weight loss by becoming more humble and helpful to others, maybe in the
long run this person will draw inspiration from you. They need to learn that attention does not
really solve their lack of self-esteem. Beyond that, I don't know yet of any way to solve this
problem. Try to restore balance for them as quickly as possible.
You probably will have to accept that you can't work with such people. Their wish for attention
disrupts every good effort towards group success. You may choose to stay out of groups
dominated by them, wish them well and ask God to bless them.
Type VI: The Inability to Pursue Personal Goals
Now that you have lost weight, there are personal goals that you can pursue and achieve. They
might include educational goals, work achievements, social relationships, or cultural and
religious activities that bring personal fulfillment. They are part of the blessings God will bring to
you when you stop using food to help you withdraw from life.
Sometimes there are people in your life who resent your ability and willingness to pursue new
avenues of satisfaction and success. Maybe they resent your chances because they would not
be able to do these things themselves, either because of lack of talent, opportunity or
perseverance. Maybe they can't endure the pain that comes with any effort to improve oneself.
Or perhaps they fear that your new achievements will detract from your ability to concentrate on
meeting their unhealthy needs.
These people will do destructive things. They will complain that you think too well of yourself, that
now you are selfish, that now you don't care about anyone except yourself. Who is the selfish
one in this situation? If I have an opportunity, and you take it away from me just because you
want all my time for yourself, then which one of us is selfish?
These people, oddly enough, can be helped by assertive action and careful limit-setting. Given
time they may adjust to your newfound opportunities. They may eventually become proud of your
character and accomplishments. They will regain their confidence that you will continue to love
them. They have the same choice as the rest of us
to face God and deal with their own unhealthy needs. Some of these relationships will make it.
You don't have to leave them, but on the other hand, don't be surprised if, despite your efforts,
some of these people walk away from you.
VII: The Spiritually Needy
This person really liked you. They were used to you. You were an inspiration to them because
you had a problem but you did not let it defeat you. You were still able to be happy and loving
towards others. You still had a good life. They needed the encouragement you provided. Now
that is gone. Now you are just like everyone else. They are losing an example that they thought
they needed.
This relationship is worth saving. They need to understand how much they have encouraged
you, how much their friendship meant to you, and how your life is better because they are in it.
They have projected their own goodness onto you. Now it is time to claim their own strengths
and become aware of the fine contributions that they make to others. If you continue to lead a
life that includes love and service to others, they will like you again someday.
Type VIII: The Worried
This person is genuinely worried about you. They have seen people lose weight and become
self-centered, careless and even immoral. They understand that the newly slim person is trying
to have new experiences that they couldn't have before, but many of those experiences are not
worth having.
They need to see you continue your life as before. Continue to show strength of character
through the way you spend your time and the attention you give to others.
My work as a therapist has helped me invaluably with this problem. Some clients have seen the
changes in my body from the very fat and disabled to near normalcy. But my behavior is exactly
the same when I am with them. They don't notice the physical changes. They relate to me as
they always did. Therefore they have helped me to stabilize myself during a time of serious
physical and emotional change. My sense of who I am, and who I want to be, has remained the
same, because these relationships have given me opportunity to work and live from the most
solid parts of myself. I owe them a lot, and will be thankful for them forever.
Type IX: The Unforgiving
This person will not adjust to your changes. To him/her you were a fat person and you always
will be. You were inadequate, and you still are. These are the people who never forget another
person's wrong-doing, no matter how much repentance has occurred. They tend to be
judgemental and possibly even somewhat elitist. If you alter the fatness that made you an
inferior in their eyes, they will find some other way to insist that you maintain an inferior status in
the group.
They need you to go about your life without them, just as they need to go their own way without
you. If you need opportunity, love or friends, they will not help you. Pray for them and trust God for
what you need.
Type X: The Difficulty Dealing with Change
This person really does not like any kind of change. That is all there is to it. They are afraid that
they will not know how to act, or what will be expected of them, or that they will not be acceptable
in the changed situation. Remember that they are being forced by your new body image to
change their perceptions of you, and many people are threatened when their own perceptions,
assumptions and judgements are threatened by a new set of facts, by a new reality. When you
are with them, talk about the things you always talked about before, especially their lives and
activities. Let them forget about your weight loss as soon as possible, so they can enjoy being
with you again.
Type XI: The Problem of Their Own Weight
This person has a problem with weight. Just as I got used to my weight when there was nothing
I could do about it, they have also adjusted to their life's problem. They are good people, doing
good things. They have friends and family; they have worthwhile jobs and activities. They love
and are loved. But they have become appropriately resigned to their problem. When there is
nothing you can do to change things, then the best thing to do is learn to cope with it, and let God
help you rise above your problem and build a good life. The same can be said for people with
serious disease, such as arthritis or fibromyalgia. Such people have a good testimony about
facing the struggles of life with God's help. They accomplish a lot with their lives and thus serve
as models for the rest of us who also face challenges. But your weight loss can open old
wounds. It's not that they are not happy for you. They just don't want more pressure from the
people in their lives to attempt weight loss one more time. They don't want those same feelings
of unacceptability to arise again.
My first instinct is to leave them alone until they can see me without thinking about the weight
loss. While they are in pain, they will not see me as a real person. They need time. So I
probably need to stay out of groups that belong to them until they feel better about me.
My second instinct is to help. For this reason I will be starting a support group for people who
need to stop dieting and start living, called Happiness Now. If I made progress with God's help,
then it is time to reach back and help someone else who might want to make the same changes.
Research will ultimately show that some people are fat for reasons other than overeating, and
that it is inordinately difficult for these people to lose weight. The gastric bypass surgery allow
me to help others by providing humble acknowledgement of this reality. Someday there will be
better interventions than surgical ones for weight loss, but for now it is the best thing going. That
is because it artificially controls the intake of food, while simultaneously producing an inability to
consume really bad foods, such as sugar-laden carbohydrates and artery-clogging fats.
A third way I find myself helping others who are a mere 30 or 40 pounds overweight is to remind
them of how many times I have told myself that if I ever again am only 30 pounds overweight I will
never complain or criticize myself again. When you are thirty pounds overweight, you still have a
life. You look like yourself, you act like yourself, you can do most of the things you want to do, and
there are at least some people who think you are beautiful just as you are. For most people in
this situation, dieting is a no-no, as it will only cause an eating disorder and further weight gain.
The simple act of learning to go without sugar and white flour coupled with increased activity over
time will modestly reduce weight while maximally increasing health and self-esteem.
In addition, I remind my overweight friends that I still love my formerly fat self, for all that she was
and all that she did, and I can love any other fat person for the same reasons. I know for a fact
that God loves fat people, and so do I.
Type XII: The Willingness to Exploit
This person wants to take advantage of you. They can see that you are feeling very happy and full
of yourself. During this time period you are likely to put a "positive spin" on everything and
everybody. So you are easily deceived into believing that someone or something is better than it
is, more worthwhile than it is. They are going to use you for their own purposes, sometimes for
their own ego needs.
These people provide a potential road to happiness that is a real dead end. When you
experience your own downfall, they will say, "I knew she was too good to be true." They enjoyed
proving that you were no better than themselves. Satan loves this type of person. They are good
at what they do.
Sometimes people in the church will take this opportunity to get you entangled in responsibilities
you would not otherwise have accepted. Unresolved feelings of guilt and shame might help you
fall for it. Pride and faulty self-confidence, born not of experience, but only of weight loss, adds to
your susceptibility. Because I did not know to watch for it, I have already met this problem. I was
really fooled by offers to provide service, thinking they were indications of inclusion, when in fact
they were exploitative efforts to dump undesirable work on an unsuspecting victim. After you
catch on to their lack of sincerity, it is hard to break away from such entanglements. Having to
extricate yourself from unfortunate entanglements makes you feel bad about yourself, because
you are in fact reneging on an agreement.
You will take your licks for this mistake, both within yourself and in your personal relationships,
and it is best to face and deal with the appropriate guilt in order to learn and grow. If you learn
from your mistakes, you will do better next time.
This is one of the rejections that is hard to anticipate. It feels good to be chosen for inclusion,
responsibility and potential service. It is hard to see through another person's need to use your
time and energy without any regard for what is best for you.
These people use praise to build you up. A weakness in myself helps me fall for this. I will try to
learn to be more humble. Next time I will consult with God before I let anybody use up my time,
effort and good will.
I will also advise others who lose significant amounts of weight to maintain their newfound body
image for at least two years before taking on serious social commitments. Losing weight is a
rare form of grief, during which one must adjust to the loss of a life style that they were
accustomed to, and in fact, relied upon for peace of mind. The change needs to be complete
before embarking on any new ventures that add more change and adjustment than one is
already going through.
Type XIII: The Judgemental
The next person is the one who judges you harshly for any mistakes you make when you lose
weight. These people will believe that you are shallow and disloyal, and undeserving of patience
or understanding. They will believe that you never did have good character. You behaved well
because your fat kept you from behaving badly. Now you have shown your true colors.
They aren't afraid of losing you. You really did stray from the path. They don't want to know you
any more, and they won't care about you any more after that. Let them go quickly. Ask God to
help you repent of any foolishness that has come into your life, and then grow in compassion for
others who make mistakes.
You probably can predict which person in your life will behave this way, because they are
generally self-righteous and judgemental. If you have been fat very long, you probably did not
really trust this person anyway. If you were wise you were probably already avoiding close
contact with them whenever possible. You might have also been trying to please them,
something you will give up after you have lost weight and rebuilt your life. The best thing you can
do for them is model friendliness, warmth, compassion and humility. God is working in their
lives too. If you value your own character, avoid criticising them, or responding vengefully. That is
a pitfall after losing weight that you will not easily be forgiven for.
Type XIV: The Lovingly Cautious
This person is cautious. He wants to show happiness for your success. But he also knows that
weight loss tends to be regained. Then the fat person is more depressed than ever. This
person is also wise. He does not want to say anything bad about "the way you were" because
you may find yourself back there soon enough.
He wants to keep your friendship when you present-day happiness falls apart.
This person needs time. He needs to know that your changes are for real and are not soon
reversible. He and others like him deserve their chance to "wait and see." He needs to see that
you are going to use your new opportunities well. He also wants to avoid taking advantage of you
when you are newly recovered from disability.
Our feelings of exuberance during weight loss may help us misinterpret this person's lack of
response. Instead of giving into self-centered impatience, treasure this person. They are rare
and frankly made of better stuff than most of us.
If you have good character before your weight loss, you can predict in advance the people who
will need time and reassurance during and after your weight loss. Give them whatever they
need. Focus on God, on them, and quit thinking about yourself all the time.
Type XV: The Dislike was Really Personal
This person didn't like you before, and they don't like you now. It's just more obvious after you
lose weight. Their disdain stands out more vividly than before. I have often said that we are
more defined by our true enemies than by our friends. We attract enemies to ourselves because
we stand for something. Our enemies know what we stand for, and they try their very best to
defeat us. Jesus taught us that we should be proud of opposition that comes because we serve
God. He says that we are blessed if we refuse to be ashamed of Him and the life we have with
Him. We can bless those who try to defeat us in our quest to be a true follower of Jesus Christ.
We can even feel honored that their dislike of us is testimony that we are noticeably effective in
our work in the Kingdom of God. The question might be, did they know your testimony about your
life with God? Or did they just believe that you are conceited?
Some of this opposition is sad. If I feel joyous to think that God has attended to me, if I love the
work that I do for Him, if I am filled will confidence that He is in charge of my life, if I give love and
joy to everyone I see, if I am filled with energy and a sense of direction from the Holy Spirit, then
some people who do not understand the effects of a true connection with God will view me as
being unusually conceited. I might explain to them that my confidence comes from God, as Paul
did when he said, "For to me, to live is Christ". But then this person will believe it is the worst
kind of conceit to believe that one has a special relationship with God.
They don't understand that they could have the same blessings for themselves. I have served
them well by being an example of something they want but don't yet understand. In this case, the
remedy is to let them go their own way, but to pray for them constantly. These people really know
that something is wrong with their own life, or missing from their happiness; the way I live my life
stirs up this knowledge in their hearts and minds. God will meet with them someday. When that
happens, it will have be an honor to have been a testimony to them. Therefore, I can believe that
their dislike of me shows that God is working in their life, calling them to something better than
what they now endure. I am showing them a portion of what they want for themselves, in
accordance to God's will. The remedy for me is to be humble and know that I am only a small
part of this person's redemption. God is the important part of this story, not me.
Type XVI: The Angry Person Who Needs a Scapegoat
This person has a lot of "hidden anger". They might be genuinely passive-aggressive, thus
constantly looking for a vulnerable target for their pent-up hostility. Or they might be
"codependent", living their lives wishing for appreciation that never comes. They might be
narcissistic individuals who feel entitled to more in life than a normal adult life can ever provide.
They might be people of limited conscience, whose inablity to see the difference between right
and wrong fills their life with the consequences of their own poor judgement.
Fat people know all about these people. They have experienced a lifetime of being the symbolic
"padded punching bag" of angry people. Their fatness makes them know quickly who among
their acquaintances are both mean and dishonest. If they have any faith-induced shrewdness,
they have learned to avoid these people whenever possible.
But weight loss removes this important litmus test for meanness in others. They know nothing
of how mean people capture non-obese quarry for abuse. These angry people use praise and
other forms of seduction to attract the average victim. But the newly slim person has no
experience with this type of seduction. To her, praise indicates the promise of inclusion, so often
denied to the fat person. So now the formerly fat person, attempting to cope with a new body
image, is living with ignorance, inexperience and denial. She can believe that no one will be
mean to her again because she is no longer fat, because she always believed that her fat was
the cause of the abuse by mean people. What she does not know is that the same vulnerability
to abuse is still present, because she has not yet recovered from a lifetime of grief caused by
meanness from others.
More to the point, the formerly fat person will have to learn that there is as much or more
meanness in this world once the weight has been lost. This person will have to learn new
"tests" of a person's "meanness quotient."
There is no test better in the real world than a person's use of "teasing." To the sophisticated
person, constructive teasing may in fact lead to both inclusion and success at fulfilling one's
responsibilities. This type of teasing is a kind of bantering that is noticeably lacking in reality.
That is, it does not refer to actual strengths and weaknesses of the person being teased. It more
likely refers to real or imagined incidents that stimulate affectionate amusement.
But there is nasty teasing. You can tell by the fact that the victim feels somehow "put down." The
teasing of angry people usually refers to personality or physical characteristics of the victim. The
most deadly teasing is directed at a person's strengths, thereby disarming and disabling him
from success in a particular group setting. I have been teased in my life for being intelligent,
educated, hard-working, moral, kind, self-directed, effective at teaching, well-organized, friendly
and enthusiastic. When I am fat, I do not experience teasing over these characteristics, only
belittlement caused by the fatness.
But when I am slim, the same people who would belittle me for my appearance, will now belittle
my best strengths, thereby obstructing effective action in that particular work situation. The
formerly fat person has no tools for dealing with this aggressive and hostile teasing, and until
some are acquired, avoidance of these people is necessary.
In sum, aggressive people will tease their victims either for obvious weaknesses or for obvious
strengths. The variations of assaultive teasing is incredibly rich and duplicitous, and will remain
the number one villain in a formerly fat person's life. Methods of coping with these people would
require a whole book. For now, remember the maxim: fat or slim, avoid angry people.
Type XVII: Prejudice and Spite
This person was really guilty of mistreating you. They teased or criticised you unmercifully. They
talked about you behind your back. They blocked any opportunity you might have had in whatever
group you shared membership in. They might have even lied, mischaracterized your personality
to others and "poisoned the waters" in every way imaginable. Naturally, they will not like seeing
your beauty increase and your popularity grow. They are true enemies. After you lose weight,
they have options. A few might actually learn something, such as the people illustrated in the
movie, "Shallow Hal".
But many people do not handle guilt well. Research shows that most people who witness or
contribute to the victimization of another person tell themselves that the victim deserved such
bullying. Research also shows that, while victims usually recover over time, perhaps even
becoming more compassionate towards others, that bullies not only do not learn and grow, they
also experience less success and happiness over time.
This problem is the nature of prejudice. Prejudice is worse than the simple ordering of
community into a social hierarchy. It is the belief that persons with certain characteristics are
less than fully human, and therefore deserve to be mistreated. There is research that indicates
that people can be taught to choose certain traits in others that will trigger prejudice and
subsequent maltreatment. The prejudice provides a sense of "entitlement" to misuse,
mischaracterize, exploit and abuse the person who is somehow not deserving of the same
advantages as everyone else. Much of this book has addressed issues of sexuality as a cause
for prejudice. But fat people know that many people have a profound, thorough,
all-encompassing and definite prejudice against fat people. There is probably no prejudice
greater in our society, even including race, than the presence of fat on one's body. To the
prejudiced, this person is undeserving of success or even compassionate treatment. There is
no area of society where this prejudice is not experienced, including the medical profession. To
the prejudiced, this person deserves to be punished, excluded, shamed, teased, belittled and
simultaneously exploited. This person must maintain a "servant" role in any family or community
group that is biased against fat people, even while they are "scapegoated" for every problem held
by the group or the individuals within that group.
It is sad to say, but most people who reach age 35 without recovering from a tendency to be
prejudiced will probably not ever change. For them personal growth would mean a huge change
in how they view themselves and others in the social and spiritual universe; it would mean
exposing themselves to feelings of guilt, and to the fear that they somehow are deserving of the
same mistreatment that they have extended to others.
Most people who are fat, handicapped or otherwise "different" from others learn eventually to feel
pity for those who are prejudiced. Even fat people can see that prejudiced people lose
happiness in the long run. Fat people learn how to become successful and happy and loving
despite prejudice, but the prejudiced never seem to recover from their own search for inferiority in
others. Jesus talked to his disciples about the importance of giving up both the need for social
hierarchy and prejudice. And he gave the victims of prejudice strategies for coping with the
bullies in their life.
It is really best to use Jesus prescription to say to God, "Forgive them for they don't understand
either themselves or the consequences of their actions." Then walk away and stay away. As for
those who show some sorrow through improved treatment of you, it is really not hard to forgive
them. Our forgiveness is based on the reality that we all do ignorent, stupid or careless things in
our lives. The formerly fat person stays aware of their own inadequacies because of their
inability to solve their fatness problem. So forgiveness comes more easily than their guilty
friends might realize.
As for the guilty friend, my advice is this: say nothing, but change your actions towards this
person, and treat them as well as you treat the most successful people in your life. As the Bible
says, "Do not be respecters of people", meaning don't treat one person as more or less
important than another. We are all loved by God.
Nevertheless, avoid close contact with them whenever possible, unless you see convincing
evidence that they have repented and recovered from their prejudiced attitudes and choices. You
cannot solve their problem for them; nor can you force them to adopt an equalitarian attitude
towards you. You cannot ever obtain from them the same "rights" as they would extend to
themselves and others. Therefore the problem of maltreatment remains an unsolvable dilemma
over which you have no control.
Prejudiced people need a "paradigm change", a mental and emotional "sea change", that
enables them to grow and heal from their beliefs that they are entitled to express
mean-spiritedness towards people whom they perceive as being somehow different from
themselves. Their failure to grow produces a bad "karma" in their own lives, in the sense that
Jesus described: our own actions and thoughts bring results, not in the next life, but in this one.
And no matter how much pity we might feel for the prejudiced, we have no way to help them
beyond hope and prayers.
When we overcome our own compliance with prejudiced attitudes, when we develop good lives
for ourselves despite whatever obstacles we encounter, when we realized that we are happy,
loved and even useful to others, then we will continue to have odd experiences in which others
seem to be operating in some kind of parallel universe, a universe that is visible, but not
connected to the one we occupy. They cannot get out of their own magical thinking long enough
to join us in our own more productive and happy world. And they really can't hurt us any more.
XVIII
The most deadly enemy of slimness is ourselves. There are lots of reasons for us to dislike our
own weight loss. First, we are beset with problems that we never knew existed before and have
no readily available skills for developing solutions. Second, we are dreadfully disappointed that
weight loss actually solves very few of our problems. So now we can't blame life's pain on our
weight any more; we have to face life's difficulties just like everyone else. Third, we are still not
as beautiful, smart, personable, popular or effective as we wanted to be. Fourth, we don't have
any more friends than we had before. Fifth, we no longer have the comfort zone that being fat
provided; we feel like a pheasant right out in the open for every dog and hunter to see. Sixth, we
can't stay calm enough to be so "good" towards others as we were in the past. Assertiveness
may be more healthy and useful, but it does not lead to the delusion that we are more kind and
good than anyone else. Seventh, change is hard. Eighth, we encounter weaknesses in
ourselves that we did not know were there. Ninth, we still are not having enough fun. Tenth, we
become temporarily self-centered and talk too much, which potentially damages our best
relationships.
If we want others to adjust to our weight loss, the place to start is with ourselves!
| The LORD is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous. Proverbs 15:29 NIV Sacrifice thank offerings to God, fulfill your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me. Psalm 50:14-15 NIV |
© Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW
The People Who Will Resent Your Weight Loss
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |