| Systems Theory & Marital Relationships |
There is a principle for living that I would like to share with each one of
you. It is called Systems Theory.
Systems theory began when scientists noticed that all substances, such as a
rock, for instance, have a boundary. Boundaries of a system are set
wherever one wants to set them. For instance, in my personal "system," that
boundary might be observed around a body organ, such as the heart or lungs,
or around the entire body. Or I can expand those boundaries to include my
home, the street on which I live, my town, the nation, the earth, or the
universe. Sometimes in marriages boundaries become a source of conflict.
This happens when one person includes within their own boundaries the
rights, privileges, problems, goals etc. that actually belong to the other
person.
For instance, suppose a man tells his wife that her decisions about when and
where to do the grocery shopping are his decision and not hers. She will
feel that her "space" and personal rights have been violated. At the same
time, once he has decided that her space is really his space, then when she
attempts to regain control over her own space, he will feel that "his" space
has been violated. Therefore, much of what comes to my therapist's office
is actually arguments over boundaries.
But there is more to Systems Theory. When the issues about boundaries
became so very useful, then social scientists began to use Systems Theory to
explain social systems, including the human body and all the relationships
that a person becomes involved with. What follows are the most important
aspects of a "Human System."
1. The basic purpose of a human system is survival. In order to survive,
the system constantly seeks "equilibrium." The plant that does not have
enough light, adapts itself by bending toward the light. This adaptation
keeps it alive, and gives the system "vitality." The terrible paradox is
that if the human system gets so much control over its environment that it
no longer needs to adapt, then the system dies. It turns out that the
process of adaptation is more important to survival than the actual
maintenance of a steady supply of resources for life, such as air, food,
water, etc. This death of a system can be seen in business organizations
that get so much power over the customer that it stops adapting and
eventually dies, in families that stop learning and growing, and in
individuals that age, get sick and die as a result of the end of learning
and growing and changing.
In other words, the source of our youth and vitality is our own constant
adaptation. Therefore, it is my job as a therapist to teach and convince people
that optimal stress is actually good for them. Or by contrast, that deliberately
avoiding important and meaningful stress that requires learning, change,
adaptation and growth is extremely bad for ones personal, emotional and
physical health. When a couple comes to me for help, often one party is
trying hard to get control of all of the family decisions, resources, etc, while
the other is trying very hard to avoid the adaptations necessary for continued
health, both personally and maritally. Both persons are contributing to the
death of that marriage system. It is the therapist's job to help the two of them
revitalize their marital system, in order to help the marriage recover and then
thrive
again.
2. The system that is thriving differentiates. If you look at the
human body, as compared to the body of an earthworm, you see that the human
body is very "complex." It has many parts, and those parts have distinctly
different functions. The Heart does not do what the Lungs do, and it is not
even made of the same stuff. A human organization has many "departments,"
so that different groups, such as the accountants, salespersons, and
managers have very different skills and responsibilities. The more
differentiation takes place the more the system becomes complex and thrives.
This highly differentiated human system also "wins out" over other competing
human systems. One of the reasons that a therapist tries to help a client
stop the process of thinking and speaking in "cognitive distortions" is
because a statement that is generalized, and therefore lacking in truth or
complexity, is actually causing depression, damage to the immune system,
aging and eventually death. So the first step in healing an unhappy
marriage is to reduce the number of cognitive distortions, even as we try to
reduce the boundary violations that occur. After all, if I think that your
space is my space, then I am thinking in such a way as to "blur" the
differences between us, and I am deliberately blocking the natural process
of differentiation that would help us thrive as a couple. So you can see
that when one person tries to get power over another persons decisions, or
control over another person's actions, then each system involved, both
personally and maritally, will begin to decline in health and vitality.
When one hires into a new job, one can see within a couple of weeks whether
the organization is thriving or marching towards its own death. When the
secretary acts like the therapist, or when everyone is doing the same tasks,
or when you hear everyone mouthing the opinions of just one person, then
you know that organization is failing, and will continue to do so until new
leadership comes in and helps it to revitalize itself. WalMart is doing
this right now. The leadership is facing up to some bad publicity and
deciding to make serious changes as a result. The chances are good that it
will survive. Likewise, when a married couple comes to my office, and I see
that there are boundary violations, an effort to stop the process of
adaptation, and a steady loss of differentiation, then our purpose will be
to infuse health back into the system until it begins to thrive again. For
whatever it is worth, in 80% of my married clients, I have succeeded with
this task. When I have failed it is because one of the partners simply will
not begin to adjust and change again, and to move towards healing of an
unhealthy situation.
3, One of the things System Theory is famous for is the concept about
Feedback. In a thriving system, stuff goes in, and stuff goes out. We
breath air in, and we breath air out. We bring client's needs into our
service organizations, and we send services out to meet those needs. The
give and take, the breathing in and out, is what makes the system thrive.
The more accurate and useful the process of feedback, then the more the
systems succeeds with its process of differentiation, and the more it
thrives. Incidentally, the AnteUp Game is a strategy to improve "feedback"
in a marriage. If the couple uses it skillfully, then the feedback becomes
meaningful and useful. The marriage becomes restored. By contrast, in any
family, any person who is denied participation in the process of feedback
will eventually be excluded from the system, either by attrition or by
choice. In an organization, look for the person that is the last one to
receive the "news," and you will see the one who is on the way out of the
organization. So you see that in a thriving organization, feedback insures
the preservation of boundaries, as well as the process of differentiation.
That is why in marriage therapy we work hard to improve the communications.
4. An essential feature of System Theory is the concept of boundaries. Any
system, whether it is a rock, a person, a town or the universe has an other
boundary. Furthermore the boundaries are set wherever we want to set them.
The cells in my body are a system. They are part of a larger system, such as the
heart. They are part of the body as a hole. This body lives in a family, which
lives on a street, which lives in a town, a state, a nation, the earth and the
universe. So every organizational decision requires that we define carefully
what the boundaries are. It could be argued that one of the strengths of the
United States Constitution is its careful attention to boundaries between
landowners, states, government bodies, roles and responsibilities.
Notice here that anger and withdrawal are simply symptoms of a system
that is in poor health. Boundary violations cause anger. Disruption of
normal differentiation of roles and space causes loss of ability to
self-manage. Desperation and loss of confidence causes withdrawal. If the
problems are not solved, then the anger is not the cause of the problem, it
is rather the symptom of the problem. It is the evidence of an unhealthy
system that needs immediate repair.
This is the end of the "essay" on Systems Theory. I hope it is useful to
you.
you. It is called Systems Theory.
Systems theory began when scientists noticed that all substances, such as a
rock, for instance, have a boundary. Boundaries of a system are set
wherever one wants to set them. For instance, in my personal "system," that
boundary might be observed around a body organ, such as the heart or lungs,
or around the entire body. Or I can expand those boundaries to include my
home, the street on which I live, my town, the nation, the earth, or the
universe. Sometimes in marriages boundaries become a source of conflict.
This happens when one person includes within their own boundaries the
rights, privileges, problems, goals etc. that actually belong to the other
person.
For instance, suppose a man tells his wife that her decisions about when and
where to do the grocery shopping are his decision and not hers. She will
feel that her "space" and personal rights have been violated. At the same
time, once he has decided that her space is really his space, then when she
attempts to regain control over her own space, he will feel that "his" space
has been violated. Therefore, much of what comes to my therapist's office
is actually arguments over boundaries.
But there is more to Systems Theory. When the issues about boundaries
became so very useful, then social scientists began to use Systems Theory to
explain social systems, including the human body and all the relationships
that a person becomes involved with. What follows are the most important
aspects of a "Human System."
1. The basic purpose of a human system is survival. In order to survive,
the system constantly seeks "equilibrium." The plant that does not have
enough light, adapts itself by bending toward the light. This adaptation
keeps it alive, and gives the system "vitality." The terrible paradox is
that if the human system gets so much control over its environment that it
no longer needs to adapt, then the system dies. It turns out that the
process of adaptation is more important to survival than the actual
maintenance of a steady supply of resources for life, such as air, food,
water, etc. This death of a system can be seen in business organizations
that get so much power over the customer that it stops adapting and
eventually dies, in families that stop learning and growing, and in
individuals that age, get sick and die as a result of the end of learning
and growing and changing.
In other words, the source of our youth and vitality is our own constant
adaptation. Therefore, it is my job as a therapist to teach and convince people
that optimal stress is actually good for them. Or by contrast, that deliberately
avoiding important and meaningful stress that requires learning, change,
adaptation and growth is extremely bad for ones personal, emotional and
physical health. When a couple comes to me for help, often one party is
trying hard to get control of all of the family decisions, resources, etc, while
the other is trying very hard to avoid the adaptations necessary for continued
health, both personally and maritally. Both persons are contributing to the
death of that marriage system. It is the therapist's job to help the two of them
revitalize their marital system, in order to help the marriage recover and then
thrive
again.
2. The system that is thriving differentiates. If you look at the
human body, as compared to the body of an earthworm, you see that the human
body is very "complex." It has many parts, and those parts have distinctly
different functions. The Heart does not do what the Lungs do, and it is not
even made of the same stuff. A human organization has many "departments,"
so that different groups, such as the accountants, salespersons, and
managers have very different skills and responsibilities. The more
differentiation takes place the more the system becomes complex and thrives.
This highly differentiated human system also "wins out" over other competing
human systems. One of the reasons that a therapist tries to help a client
stop the process of thinking and speaking in "cognitive distortions" is
because a statement that is generalized, and therefore lacking in truth or
complexity, is actually causing depression, damage to the immune system,
aging and eventually death. So the first step in healing an unhappy
marriage is to reduce the number of cognitive distortions, even as we try to
reduce the boundary violations that occur. After all, if I think that your
space is my space, then I am thinking in such a way as to "blur" the
differences between us, and I am deliberately blocking the natural process
of differentiation that would help us thrive as a couple. So you can see
that when one person tries to get power over another persons decisions, or
control over another person's actions, then each system involved, both
personally and maritally, will begin to decline in health and vitality.
When one hires into a new job, one can see within a couple of weeks whether
the organization is thriving or marching towards its own death. When the
secretary acts like the therapist, or when everyone is doing the same tasks,
or when you hear everyone mouthing the opinions of just one person, then
you know that organization is failing, and will continue to do so until new
leadership comes in and helps it to revitalize itself. WalMart is doing
this right now. The leadership is facing up to some bad publicity and
deciding to make serious changes as a result. The chances are good that it
will survive. Likewise, when a married couple comes to my office, and I see
that there are boundary violations, an effort to stop the process of
adaptation, and a steady loss of differentiation, then our purpose will be
to infuse health back into the system until it begins to thrive again. For
whatever it is worth, in 80% of my married clients, I have succeeded with
this task. When I have failed it is because one of the partners simply will
not begin to adjust and change again, and to move towards healing of an
unhealthy situation.
3, One of the things System Theory is famous for is the concept about
Feedback. In a thriving system, stuff goes in, and stuff goes out. We
breath air in, and we breath air out. We bring client's needs into our
service organizations, and we send services out to meet those needs. The
give and take, the breathing in and out, is what makes the system thrive.
The more accurate and useful the process of feedback, then the more the
systems succeeds with its process of differentiation, and the more it
thrives. Incidentally, the AnteUp Game is a strategy to improve "feedback"
in a marriage. If the couple uses it skillfully, then the feedback becomes
meaningful and useful. The marriage becomes restored. By contrast, in any
family, any person who is denied participation in the process of feedback
will eventually be excluded from the system, either by attrition or by
choice. In an organization, look for the person that is the last one to
receive the "news," and you will see the one who is on the way out of the
organization. So you see that in a thriving organization, feedback insures
the preservation of boundaries, as well as the process of differentiation.
That is why in marriage therapy we work hard to improve the communications.
4. An essential feature of System Theory is the concept of boundaries. Any
system, whether it is a rock, a person, a town or the universe has an other
boundary. Furthermore the boundaries are set wherever we want to set them.
The cells in my body are a system. They are part of a larger system, such as the
heart. They are part of the body as a hole. This body lives in a family, which
lives on a street, which lives in a town, a state, a nation, the earth and the
universe. So every organizational decision requires that we define carefully
what the boundaries are. It could be argued that one of the strengths of the
United States Constitution is its careful attention to boundaries between
landowners, states, government bodies, roles and responsibilities.
Notice here that anger and withdrawal are simply symptoms of a system
that is in poor health. Boundary violations cause anger. Disruption of
normal differentiation of roles and space causes loss of ability to
self-manage. Desperation and loss of confidence causes withdrawal. If the
problems are not solved, then the anger is not the cause of the problem, it
is rather the symptom of the problem. It is the evidence of an unhealthy
system that needs immediate repair.
This is the end of the "essay" on Systems Theory. I hope it is useful to
you.
- © Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW
Systems Theory 1. Equilibrium Vitality Survival 2. Differentiation 3. Feedback 4. Boundaries |
ANTE-UP
GAME
METHOD
LEVEL 1
OPENING
LINES
Small Talk
that is
Strictly
Impersonal
GAME
METHOD
LEVEL 1
OPENING
LINES
Small Talk
that is
Strictly
Impersonal
| LEVEL 2 THE IMPERSONAL PERSONAL Anything that Anyone in Town Can Know You Could Learn About This at the Courthouse People with excellent interpersonal skills are good at this level, including salespersons, politicians, and church members |
| LEVEL 3 THE PRIVATE PERSONAL The Things That People Close to You Can Know This Means You Are Friends This stage requires self-restraint to avoid excessive personal revelation, e.g. about religious, political opinions |
| LEVEL 4 VALUE AND MEANING Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values Getting to Know You for Real This begins the serious test of whether of not you will want to be close to this person. This exploration should require many conversations and should precede discussion of personal hopes and dreams and hurtful past experiences |
| LEVEL 5 HOPES AND DREAMS Personal Goals, Beliefs and Values We Imagine About Happiness and Love This begins the test to see whether this person could share your lifeand help you fulfill your plans for the future |
| LEVEL 6 JOY, HURTS AND FEARS Our Most Private Feelings and Experiences We Deal with What Matters Most This tests the trustworthiness of the other |
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