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- WINNING AT LOVE
100 STEPS:
1. Decision: I am going to earn a positive, loving friendship with this person,
and if the friendship does not lead to romance and love, it will not be because I
made any of the following mistakes: passiveness, over-aggressiveness, lack or
excess of loving feeling, excessive temperament, over-protection, ownership,
excess or inadequate sympathy, inattention or excessive attention, poor use of
time, excessive demands for similarity, poorly timed demands for commitment,
jealousy, lack or excessive trust, too much expectation too soon, fear of intimacy
or of failure, sarcasm and mental abuse.
2. Learn to work hard, patiently, diligently and perseveringly at 100 steps
3. Describe your friend's personal characteristics. For instance, he might have
the following traits: tall, slim, well-built, handsome, intelligent, educated,
professional, successful in his career, independent, well-liked, good personality,
fun to be with. His liabilities (weaknesses) might be in the areas of spirituality,
emotional commitment, trustworthiness, independence, tendency to be a loner.
He is comfortable with himself. Research question: What kind of woman
would this kind of man want for himself?
For Instance, this type of man might want a woman who is:
a. Strongly independent. Vulnerable men need strong women.
b. Good sense of humor.
too much competition socially.
- d. Honest, dependable and stable.
e. Comfortable and at peace with herself. Secure in herself, so that she is
not threatened by his good looks and popularity with others (women,
men and children).
f. Appreciative of his personhood, quality of choices, intelligence, humor,
i.e. almost anything other than looks.
g. Good conversationalist.
h. Intelligent.
i. Interested in learning, new experience, growth.
j. Accepts challenges and learns from mistakes.
k. Courage.
l. Audacity.
m. Capacity to express leadership, especially in the home.
n. Warmth, openness, genuineness, friendliness, humility. In other words,
the ability
to be attractive without fear of invasion or rejection.
o. Good judgement. Ability to say no. (w.o. fear of rejection)
p. Boundaries, without unwanted barriers.
q. Ability to decide, and to make and keep agreements.
r. Ability to manage emotional reactions.
s. Poise; social and emotional generosity towards others.
t. Outgoing, that is, lack of introversion or self-absorption.
u. Trustworthy and respectable.
v. Comfortable, receptive and pleasing to be with.
w. Strong faith in power higher than him.
x. Capacity for commitment, acceptance, understanding, compassion,
empathy, tolerance, forgiveness.
y. Ability to accept feelings, sensitivity, weakness & vulnerability in a man
z. Ability to love without "fixing" the object of attention.
4. Eye Contact when talking. Let your eyes sparkle if you feel pleasure in
talking
to him.
5. Maintain pleasant facial expressions, remembering to smile often.
6. Monitor your voice carefully. "Keep it low, keep it slow, keep it soft."
Women lose both attractiveness and power when they use a high, nasal,
or shrill voice, especially if their talk is rapid and their speech undisciplined.
7. Maintain body language that is warm, friendly & open. You can use the
position of your body very effectively to show interest in what your "mate"
is saying.
8. Learn the art of small talk. This will be used not only in the opening days
of the relationship, but daily throughout 50 years of marriage.
9. Involve him in activities involving the five senses.
10. Find out all about him: his interests, preferences, dreams, wishes, fears
and weaknesses. This will help you make a better judgement regarding
marriage or commitment.
11. See him in every conceivable social situation. From this you will learn
how he treats people and himself.
12. Make decisions for yourself and offer suggestions to him.
13. Learn to live in the here and now.
14. Learn to notice when he is enjoying being with you.
15. Learn to notice when he does something nice for you.
16. Master the Ante-Up Game, which involves gradual progression towards
intimacy (as compared to poorly timed efforts at intimacy).
17. Principles of the Ante-Up Game.
a. Learn to experience the here-and-now fully.
b. Respond with "immediacy", in terms of the here and now.
c. Focus on the "little things" (immediacy), but see them as part of
a larger whole. Learn faith and trust in that larger picture.
d. Respect individual freedom to make choices regarding intimacy.
e. Learn skill at the process (immediacy, choice and response)
and faith in the process.
f. Faith and belief in the benefit of self-restraint.
g. Learn ability to enjoy the process.
h. Allow spontaneity during the relationship interactions, and
evaluate action patterns later.
18. Exercise self-restraint and self-discipline in expressing unpleasant
emotions.
19. Fill the "relationship pool" with positive thoughts and feelings, including
appreciation.
20. Share with him your hopes and dreams, and carefully observe his
responses to you and them.
21. Pay attention when he says "I love you" and understand his meaning in
terms of overall process.
22. Fulfill the first 21 steps before you sexualize the relationship.
Principle: a man never loves a woman more than he does the
first time they have sex. Also, understand that a woman must teach
a man how to please her sexually, just as he must do the same for her.
23. Don't try to own or possess your mate.
a. Enjoy free expression in your mate.
b. Value personal freedom for your mate.
c. Relate in such a way as to stimulate growth in your mate.
d. Accept individual differences.
24. Learn to develop a balance of power and need.
a. When one person "needs" from the other, then the other person
has the most power in that situation.
b. Any person who wishes to have most of the power and control
will have to give up having any needs of his/her own.
c. Being generous about meeting the needs of another person
gradually increases our own power in the relationship.
25. Learn to exercise self-restraint whenever you feel a feeling of pressure.
Watch for the "still, small voice" of self.
26. Assess timing of each person for compatibility. Sometimes people who
are slow-paced, late bloomers are not compatible with those who are
fast-paced, early birds. If possible, marital pairs should have the same
type of energy levels.
27. Learn the ways that men and women think, speak and communicate
differently in order to maximize understanding of each other.
28. Observe to see what you do that makes him feel emotionally tired.
"High cost" verbal interactions can cost you the relationship.
29. Assess introversion/extroversion qualities of each person.
30. Don't criticise him. Don't try to change him. Don't use sarcasm. Never
show contempt! This bad habit causes separation and divorce.
31. Learn to accept maleness for what it is, and show appreciation for the
moral strides he makes to overcome his undeveloped nature.
32. Don't allow him to spend a lot of time at your house. He will eat your
food, watch your TV and begin to have a sense of "ownership" without
the responsibility. Also he will stop taking you places where you can
learn more about him socially.
33. Accept him as he is. Once you accept that he is not going to change,
you can decide whether or not you really want this relationship. If you
do want the relationship, then you can begin to develop the skills you
need to relate successfully to him.
34. Set limits on negative thinking. Use verbal tools such as "Stop!" or
"Cross that out!" to curb your negative thinking.
35. Give yourself permission to feel strong desire, "wanting" and hope.
36. Learn that you are not fragile and you can experience disappointment
without giving up hope.
37. Say no to him on a regular basis, especially after he has taken you for
granted.
38. Learn to value love (including safety, security, giving) more than you
value the excitement of "in love" (the wish to possess, the feeling of
longing). Reassess the meaning of "boredom", e.g. lack of threat,
inconsistency or excessive change.
39. Learn to associate "wanting" with "success in getting what you want",
so that patience is not so painful to you.
40. Give up being intrigued by excitement, mystery and confusion.
41. Give up needing to even the score, to get revenge.
42. Stop placing this man before God in importance.
43. Become humble, i.e. learn how to make an accurate assessment of your
own power in this relationship.
44. Don't lie or manipulate in secretive ways.
45. Tell him exactly what you don't like, using "I" messages and not "you"
messages.
46. Tell him exactly what you do like, using "I" messages. The proportion
between messages about what you like and do not like should be about
four to one.
47. Learn to laugh at his jokes.
48. Don't criticise his relatives or friends.
49. Comfort him when he is sad or afraid.
50. Help him express himself clearly when he is angry.
51. Praise him on a regular basis for the quality of his character (only when
you are sincere).
52. Don't nag, bitch, beg, whine or act martyred.
53. Get angry only in cases where he disrespects your space. Never get angry
just because he failed to do a task, meet your needs, or be present. This
latter spoils the relationship.
54. Never ask him "where this relationship is going!" Losers at Love do this
a lot.
55. Keep leading him into a good committed relationship by attracting him
forward, not by attempting to "get a commitment."
56. Learn to handle situations involving your own anger, fear and grief.
57. Give up the idea that he is supposed to meet your emotional
needs (except for physical affection and expressions of love).
In other words, do not expect him to solve your problems with your own
feelings. His role is to provide & protect, to sacrifice his life for you.
Your role is to help him meet his emotional and social needs.
58. Observe how he handles his own errors, setting boundaries,
disappointment, hearing "no".
59. Be especially observant for any traits that would indicate a tendency
towards premature bonding, as this could lead to harassment if the
relationship ends.
60. Notice how he feels about and treats his mother.
61. If you are of childbearing age, try to picture him as the father of your
children. If you cannot, then consider discontinuing the relationship
and investing your time with a more sensible man.
62. Observe his actions towards your children. If he is excessively cold or
charming with them, take a cautious second look.
63. Notice if he brags about exploits, getting "one up" on others, or getting
even with others. Consider discontinuing the relationship if you see
these things.
64. Notice for signs of pathological lying. This is a bad sign. Discontinue the
relationship if you see indications of dishonesty, because lying is
associated with more than one bad character trait.
65. Notice for signs of emotional or physical abuse. Leave the relationship
immediately if you observe these things.
66. Discover if this man has been previously married, and satisfy yourself
about the causes of past divorces.
67. Learn about this man's finances and his financial habits, including
income, debts, impulsive spending tendencies. Beware of secretive or
stingy men. These qualities usually do not change after marriage.
68. Does he have any disgusting personal habits that you could not live with?
69. The number of men is scarce. If he does not refuse to work, abuse
substances, or abuse women and children, think twice about giving him
up, unless you are content with the single life.
70. You have now known this man long enough now to share with him the
experiences in your life that have hurt you. Notice his attitude towards
your pain. Allow him to likewise share with you. Do not do this step
until you have assessed his character, as per steps #57 through #66.
71. You have attracted this man and have gotten to know him. You have
learned good relational habits and have stopped using non-useful
methods of relating. He has passed the tests placed on his own
character. Now it is time to assess how you feel in this relationship.
72. How do you feel about yourself when you are with him? After you have
been with him? Do you feel "less than" others or "more than" others
when you are with him?
73. What fine qualities in yourself do you experience when you are in
interaction with him?
74. How effective do you feel in having your love received by him? How
much do you feel your love benefits him?
75. How comfortable and safe do you feel with him? Could you enjoy an
evening reading in his presence? Can you sing when he is near enough
to hear? Would you want him with you if you were sick?
76. Do you feel God's presence with you when he is near?
77. Can you be the best, most loving, most talented person you can be in his
presence? Or do you have to play down your strengths and gifts to keep
him with you?
78. How do you and he resolve disagreements and/or arguments?
79. Have him meet your friends.
80. Introduce him to your family.
81. Find out what kind of house, furniture, china, etc he prefers.
82. Find out how he feels about family traditions, such as birthdays,
Christmas, anniversaries, Mother's Day, etc.
83. What are his standards for family roles, work responsibilities, family
decision-making, child- rearing, relationships with in-laws?
84. Take a trip together that lasts at least three days, to see if you can be
comfortable together in continual close contact.
85. Begin to develop activities and special hobbies together.
86. Begin to develop friendships as a couple, and develop a social group
that you both enjoy.
87. Choose the church you plan to attend together.
88. Now you can begin to allow him to help with chores around the house,
and responsibilities with your children. Find out what kinds of work
skills he has. If he has none, how does he manage home and auto
maintenance?
89. He begins to attend social functions that are important to you, such as
your child's school graduation. How does he treat your children? How
comfortable are they with him? Do they look forward to seeing him?
90. Meet his family.
91. Plan a party or celebration for family members. Learn how family
interacts with one another. Notice that some of your children will look
and act like some of them!!
92. Begin to fill your hope chest.
93. Ask him if he wants children, and if so, how many?What are his beliefs
about education of children and discipline?
94. Find out if he knows what he wants to do with his career and where he
wants to live.
95. Tell him you love him.
96. Give him a chance to propose marriage. If he does not, tell him that it is
time to marry. If he will not, then dissolve the relationship.
97. If there is a need for counseling at the church, or otherwise,
now is the time.
98. Observe for signs of pathological jealousy and possessiveness in either
person. If it is present, get counseling before the marriage if it is present.
99. Plan the wedding, the Honeymoon (in 25 years?), the home and the
checking account.
100. The marriage ceremony.
- Yes, Loving Really is an Art!
- © Copyright by Nancy Carter, LCSW, ACSW
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